Call Me Trixie

After a lot of consideration, I've decided to end my regular updates for this blog; at least for now. Whenever I first started this blog, it was to have an outlet for my full, authentic self. An outlet which, at the time, I didn't think I could have or would be accepted at home. Since that time, I've gone from worrying about not looking like I belonged whenever I stepped out as Trixie to now looking forward to every chance I get to present as my feminine side. I used to believe that I could never be accepted by the people I see everyday to being fully accepted by people I never thought were capable of doing such. I believed that I wouldn't find anyone romantically because I'm genderfluid and pansexual. Now, here I am with an amazing girlfriend. Since I began this blog in August, a lot has changed about me and the people around me. I still don't feel comfortable presenting as Trixie in every situation. However, just to know that so many people still care about me...

I didn't even go out seeking her this time at all. I haven't worried about MLD for a while, especially since Aerith and I began dating. A month or so ago, I did notice that MLD's side profile had popped back up on my "People You May Know" tab. However, I decided not to call her out on my own page again like I had before. If she's that curious to see how well I'm doing than that's on her. Oddly, the latest craziness with her didn't even come from her directly. Since I'm not longer friends with her on social media and she blocked me from her main page, I never see any of the drama playing out in her life. Which is totally fine with me as there's usually a lot. Well, this time, a mutual friend of ours on social media shared a post where they were asking for more information on MLD's oldest son. Apparently, she hadn't heard from him for a few days and it was worried that he was in crisis.  I read through the comments and got as much inf...

There's a phrase that says something like "I love my friends and family. They're just as weird as me." That could not be more true of mine. For instance, Griffin. He's a dopey moron but I love him as my best guy friend. After going about a week without speaking, we're back on the same page. I finally realized that he was either too stubborn or too naive to apologize for how he was acting a few weeks ago. So, I shared last Friday's post with him (the one with the "hint hint Griffin" line) and we were able to start speaking again. He's a dumbass but he's also MY dumbass. If there's one thing that Kitty loves, it's change. She can't seem to sit still in one spot for too long or keep things the same for more than a few months at a time. That includes her office space layout, her work schedule, her leisure schedule and just about everything else. Thankfully for her husband, that doesn't also include him lol. They have their ups...

"We were only following orders." - Numerous  I feel like we'll be hearing that excuse again if the American Gestapo, also known as ICE, is ever tried for their crimes. It used to be that trained soldiers would use such an excuse to try and explain why they committed such heinous acts in a foreign country during war time. However, we all know that this group isn't a fully trained group of soldiers. It's a bunch of idiotic, mostly overweight, undertrained, and over armed mob of scumbags that are attacking, beating and killing American citizens on our own soil. Renee Good and Alex Pretti (along with the one detainee who was allegedly murdered while in a detention center) were the first but I fear they'll be far from the only. From the way these masked, murderous assholes wrestle unarmed protesters to the ground and hold them there while spraying mace into their eyes, to the way they use five year olds as bait to coax people out of their homes, to the way they att...

Hello, my loves! I hope you had a wonderful weekend. Mine was upset by a massive snow storm that blanketed the eastern US. We got well over one foot of snow yesterday and had a bit more overnight. They said we could get upwards of another foot of snow today. Hopefully not. It was bad enough though to where my boss said that we could stay home today. So, I'm planning to watch some history specific videos on YouTube channels such as History Buffs and The Armchair Historian (seriously, check them out!) and play some Assassin's Creed Revelations (I've been going through the Ezio Trilogy). I had wanted to go shopping this past weekend with Kitty to the nearby college town. We'd hoped that Aerith could come with us so that the two of them could meet. Well, both of them ended up having plans. I thought about riding solo but, once the weather reports started coming in last week, I decided to hold off for another time. Instead, I made an appointment on Saturday to file my tax re...

 As I wait very impatiently for volume six of Heartstopper to arrive via graphic novel (I hear sometime in July but that might as well be twelve years away), I've decided to read some of the non-Heartstopper branded stories in the Oseman-verse. As you can tell by the title of this post, this one is about one of her e-books: This Winter. This story is more of a novella than a full on book but it's still more Oseman-verse material for me to digest. It takes place on the first Christmas Day with Nick and Charlie as a couple. Charlie has just come out of being an inpatient for his anorexia as well as his self harm relapse. Obviously, this leads to issues when his extended family arrive at the house for their Christmas party and continue to either ask him questions or make their own warped observations about mental health facilities. Charlie's sister Tori describes the scene as this: "I hate the way people react when they learn Charlie spent a few weeks as an in-patient. As...

Since I've become more open about myself on social media, it was bound to happen sooner or later. Ignorant people just can't help themselves sometimes. Funny part was that it wasn't even on my own page or DMs. I've been following lots of pride style pages (Pan Pride, Gay Pride, LGBTQ comics, etc.) and one happen to ask for people to post selfies from the last time they felt cute. I responded with one I took prior to my most recent date with Aerith. I made sure to mention how that night ended with me having a girlfriend (still love pointing out that I have one now lol). This morning, I got a notification that my post had a comment. It was from a profile called "fcuk the system" (yes, that's really how they spelled it). Ooooh, so tough and rebellious. Misspelling words so as not to trigger Zuckerberg's vulgarity bots. Their profile header says something like "fighting the good fight against the vegan, liberal, and transgender crap" (I say ...

It's funny how romance can work. One minute, you're seeing so little interest that you think your dating days are over. Then, you find someone and become romantically involved with them. Suddenly, everyone seems to be coming out of the woodwork to either flirt with you or make their romantic intentions more clear. This happened to me whenever I was married. It was incredible how many people were suddenly flirting with me, inviting me out or giving me that "come hither" look. And they all knew I was married. One such person was someone I worked with at a nursing home. I was just engaged at that point but was literally weeks away from getting married. This girl began flirting with me everyday, started calling me "honey" all the time and even referred to me as her work husband. Eventually, she even said how she would let me sleep with her as my last lay as a single man. I won't lie: I had lots of emotions running through my head when she told me that. They ...

As mentioned yesterday, I had an appointment in the nearby college town in the afternoon. Also, Aerith's house just happens to be on the way there. So, I made it a point to stop in and see my girlfriend after that appointment yesterday. She hadn't been feeling well the last few days, so I made up a care package for her: I got her a can of Chunky chicken noodle soup, a full box of tissues, a six pack of Pure Leaf Blackberry tea, and a picture that I had Willow draw for her. It was a picture of a Space Wolf captain from Warhammer Space Marines. Aerith absolutely loved it. 😊 She fell in awe of the care package and then we embraced. As we did, a feeling of euphoria washed over me. I was beyond happy to have someone romantically embrace me again. We didn't kiss on the lips as she was still worried about getting me sick. We did kiss each other on the cheek and forehead numerous times though. I didn't go home right away as I wanted to spend as much time with her as I could. I...

Hello, my loves! I hope you all had another wonderful weekend! Mine was relatively lazy. I definitely needed a couple of days to recharge my batteries. I wasn't expecting my late thirties to be my party animal phase but I've been so busy the last several weekends. I'm planning a trip to the nearby college town next weekend. Might even be going solo but we'll get into that. First, an update on where things stand with everybody this week. I took today off from work as I have a periodontist appointment in the college town this afternoon. For those unaware, periodontology is a specialized field of dentistry. It specifically deals with surgery and care of the teeth, gums and jawbones. Last year, during a routine checkup with my dentist, they did a scan and discovered a huge gap between my one molar and my jawbone. So, that needs fixed. My best guess is that when I had my wisdom teeth removed nearly 20 years ago, the one spot didn't fill back in (that tooth was impacted)....

They say it can be hard being friends sometimes. That has certainly been the case with my best guy friend lately. Over the past month, Griffin's attitude has changed. This is especially the case whenever I hang out with or even discuss Aerith. It seems to me that he's jealous of the time and energy I'm spending on her. He's even said before that while he's happy for me, "I'm sure this means that you'll completely forget about me sooner or later now that you have a girlfriend." I've always assured him that such a situation isn't the case but he doesn't seem to fully grasp that. He threw a huge, passive aggressive fit around New Year's Eve when I decided to spend it with Aerith and her friends instead of him. It seemed to get worse whenever she would be brought up or even after they met. However, our issue that kicked off yesterday didn't even involve Aerith but did involve Griffin's attitude. Usually, we'll message each o...

Having been AMAB, I've gotten compliments on my appearance as some form of "you're handsome." Whenever I did, I'd cringe. Part of it is low self esteem. You get bullied and insulted your entire life and you can't help but believe it. Another part is not feeling handsome. That goes to body image and how I notice every little flaw on me. From every fat roll to every blemish to every ingrown hair, it chips away at my feelings of being "handsome." Finally, part of it was just I didn't enjoy being called handsome in general. Like, I didn't want people to think that of me. I didn't want to be "handsome." I wanted to be beautiful. While denying my feminine side for so long, part of me would see these beautiful women, the attention they'd get, and wish that I could be in their shoes at that moment. Of course, with that low self esteem, I never thought I'd get close to that feeling; even after embracing my Trixie side more and mo...

So far, since coming out on my masculine self's social media page, the response has still been overwhelmingly positive. I've only lost 4 friends after the post went live and if anyone has a negative opinion of me now, they've kept it to themselves. I decided to also come clean to my psychologist yesterday (as I previously mentioned I was preparing to do). I've been seeing him for nearly nine years now. Couple that with him being an obvious conservative in my mind, I knew it would be interesting. I showed him a picture of Aerith and myself from our date this past weekend. He was shocked. He even said "well...I wasn't expecting this." He at least kept things professional during the session. I explained how I identify, why I didn't tell him before (I chalked it up to trust issues with people, which is partially true), how understanding everyone has been so far (including my girlfriend), and why I wanted to come clean now. The psychologist then came back w...

Yesterday, around noon, I was so nervous that I was literally shaking and hyperventilating at my desk at work. Why, you ask? Because I decided to come out to people on my masculine side's social media account. I was ready. Despite what my nerves kept saying. I knew it would be a big step but I didn't want to continue feeling like I was hiding part of myself. This was especially true now that I had Aerith as my girlfriend. How could we fully support each other if she might feel like I was only my true self around her and someone else to my friends and family at home? What if she thought I was ashamed of her in some way? I couldn't allow that either. So, I wrote down what all I wanted to say, asked for luck from several people, tried to slow down my breathing, and my hand shakily hit post at noon yesterday. This is what I posted. The names have been changed to their blog appropriate pseudonyms: "This will be a bit of a long read but I ask all of you who ever truly care o...

Hello, my loves! I hope you all had a wonderful weekend! Mine was certainly busy and eventful. Sunday was filled with running errands. I took our recyclables to the drop off center (I'd let it go for about a month due to the weather, so there was a LOT), I got groceries and associated beauty needs at the store, I got to gas up my new car for the first time (despite only getting it a week ago, I've already put 350 miles on it), and finished taking down and putting away the last of our Christmas decorations. But let's be honest. You all came here for one main thing having to do with my weekend: my latest date with Aerith. Or should I say...MY GIRLFRIEND!!! 😁😁😁 Okay, first things first: I'll go over the date itself. So, leading up to it, I was super nervous. I was definitely taking my Wellbutrin as intended on Friday and Saturday. I knew I wanted to ask her where things stood with us. As you can imagine, I was nervous about the answer. I was going to paint my nails agai...

It's official: I've reached the point in this relationship (whatever state it's considered) where I think about her all the time. I enjoy whenever we chat with each other. I love reminiscing about the times we've been together; even when that number is super low. I look forward to when we get to see each other again. This, however, can lead to a major problem: I greatly overthink things. Once I suck myself into another person's world, I can't help but begin thinking of every possibility. Every good outcome, every bad outcome, every possibility for something to go wrong or right. It's just how my brain is wired. This leaves me as a constant ball of anxious, excited energy; waiting to burst out into the real world. It can absolutely effect how I react in certain situations with Aerith and how I may second guess myself whenever I make decisions. I start to reminisce about past relationships and past dates as well. Thinking of how it all went wrong, any and all ...

We now come to this Sunday aka my 39th Birthday! While my mom and Willow were busy making my cake (chocolate with chocolate peanut butter icing), I picked up Griffin. This trip also included a stop at the store to pick up our lunch and snacks: fried chicken, boneless Nashville hot chicken, Bob Evans brand mashed potatoes, Doritos, corn chips, and chocolate covered pretzels. We were now, officially, ready to party. I drove us to my house and the festivities began. When we weren't busy pigging out, we were watching Wrestling Kingdom in the Tokyo Dome. It had aired live early that morning but we began at the more normal time of noon. This year was extra special as it featured the "final" match of Hiroshi Tanahashi (final is in quotation marks because retirements rarely last in pro wrestling). He was the top star during the darkest days of New Japan Pro Wrestling and really kept them afloat until the boom period started in 2012. A key element to that boom was the rise of Kazu...

Despite the previously stated issues with my car, that didn't deter me from having an amazing time on Saturday. The car held up and it led to a road trip for Griffin, Willow and myself. We went to a nearby town, as we've done before, for some fun as a pregame to my birthday celebration the next day. I was in full boy mode on this day. I feel like people judge me more if I'm Trixie with Willow than when I'm without her. We started off with lunch at Chili's. Their chicken tenders (or whatever they call them) platter is delicious! I went with two buffalo ranch flavored dipping sauces. 😋 We then headed over to Barnes and Noble to browse their wares. I was looking for a copy of Tranny by Laura Jane Grace but, sadly, they didn't have a copy. Griffin was looking for a copy of Laura Dean Keeps Breaking Up with Me but they didn't have that either. When it comes to LGBTQ books, the Barnes and Noble in the nearby college town has a better selection than this one. Anyw...

As you'll recall from yesterday, I spent the night at Aerith's house (not like that) due to winter weather making it impossible to drive home. Once I woke up later that day (I fell asleep around 4 AM that morning and woke up around 9:30 AM), everyone else who had been stranded was already gone and I had two cats staring at me (Aerith has four cats and her roommate has another). Since Aerith was still sleeping, I decided to get dressed and head for home. While I had my outfit from last night, I didn't have new makeup to apply nor was I really in the mood to add any when I woke up. It took forever to de-ice my car. The windshield wipers were a tangled mess but I was sick of waiting and headed home. En route, I was at a red light when I felt a "clunk" underneath my car. Suddenly, the Check Engine light came on and it took the full force of my foot to activate either the brake or the accelerator. I did stop for gas but I decided to hold off on checking out a garage fo...

Hello, my loves! Happy New Year! I hope the past week went well for all of you. 😊 Mine was very eventful (hence the title of this post). In fact, so much has happened that I have to split it into several different posts this week. We'll start with where we left off: my preparation for New Year's Eve. Aerith has invited me to spend the night with her and her friends. Of course, I excitedly accepted! Sadly, I had to work that day. So, I got through that as an excited and nervous ball of energy; anxiously counting down the hours until I could hurry home and get ready. I still had my daughter that day but was taking her to her mother's house that night. Willow was actually a big help with me deciding what to wear. This was also the first time that Willow saw me in person as Trixie. She helped me decide on this outfit: a black, long sleeve top, my AC/DC printed tee, a pair of jeans, and my short black wig. Normally, I would wear my high top sneakers with this outfit. However, w...