Handsome vs. Beautiful

Having been AMAB, I've gotten compliments on my appearance as some form of "you're handsome." Whenever I did, I'd cringe.

Part of it is low self esteem. You get bullied and insulted your entire life and you can't help but believe it.

Another part is not feeling handsome. That goes to body image and how I notice every little flaw on me. From every fat roll to every blemish to every ingrown hair, it chips away at my feelings of being "handsome."

Finally, part of it was just I didn't enjoy being called handsome in general. Like, I didn't want people to think that of me. I didn't want to be "handsome."

I wanted to be beautiful.

While denying my feminine side for so long, part of me would see these beautiful women, the attention they'd get, and wish that I could be in their shoes at that moment.

Of course, with that low self esteem, I never thought I'd get close to that feeling; even after embracing my Trixie side more and more.

However, whenever I began going out into the world as Trixie, everything changed for me. For my body image, for my self esteem, I felt as different as I looked.

I still remember the feelings I had the first time I saw myself in the mirror as I tried on new outfits. My wig, my makeup, my new clothes...

For the first time in my life, I felt right. I felt like I found my place in the world.

I finally felt beautiful.

Obviously, lots of people told me some variation of that whenever I hit the dating apps. Most of them were chasers and fuck boys but it still gave me a great sense of acceptance in my body. I know most of them were saying that because they only wanted one thing but it was the validation I needed.

Every time now when I go out as Trixie and I get complimented on my appearance, I don't cringe or joke it away or anything like whenever I'm my masculine self. I genuinely tell them thank you with the biggest smile my face can handle.

They seem me. They accept me. And as a side effect, I now accept myself. 😊