One Giant Leap

Yesterday, around noon, I was so nervous that I was literally shaking and hyperventilating at my desk at work. Why, you ask? Because I decided to come out to people on my masculine side's social media account.

I was ready. Despite what my nerves kept saying. I knew it would be a big step but I didn't want to continue feeling like I was hiding part of myself. This was especially true now that I had Aerith as my girlfriend. How could we fully support each other if she might feel like I was only my true self around her and someone else to my friends and family at home? What if she thought I was ashamed of her in some way? I couldn't allow that either.

So, I wrote down what all I wanted to say, asked for luck from several people, tried to slow down my breathing, and my hand shakily hit post at noon yesterday.

This is what I posted. The names have been changed to their blog appropriate pseudonyms:

"This will be a bit of a long read but I ask all of you who ever truly care or cared about me to read it all before you do anything.

First off, this isn't a cry for help but a call to action for me. I'm more than fine, I'm happy. More happy and satisfied than I've been in a long time with my life. 

Having said that, the only thing I don't like about my life is feeling like I'm hiding something. Which is how I feel about something currently and have felt that way for a while now. Well, I'm done hiding.

Over the past several years, I've done a lot of soul searching on just who and what I am. Doing so led me to two realizations:

First, I'm not just attracted to women. Secondly, I don't just identify as a man.

I identify as pansexual and genderfluid. Being pan means I find attraction to someone regardless of gender (age is a different matter. If they're too young to legally drink then they're too young for me). Genderfluid means there are times where I feel more comfortable as a man and other times when I feel more comfortable as a woman. I've even presented out in public as a female at times. I like to call myself Trixie when I do so.

Doing this has made me feel happier, more honest, and more open about myself. It's also been a relief to know that those I've already told have been super accepting of me. 

That includes my mom, who I can't express just how wonderful and loving she has been since I told her. 

That includes my daughter, who has never had an issue with me or how I present in public. This just shows me that a child, naturally, wants to trust and love people. They have to be taught hatred.

Obviously, that definitely includes my girlfriend, [Aerith]. Even though we've only known each other a short time, she has been nothing but wonderful to me. I can't wait to see how we continue to develop together.

That includes some of my closest friends and family members. All of whom have been terrific and helpful as I navigate this new chapter of my life.

Heck, that even includes my ex wife. Despite how things ended between us, it's nice to know that we can remain friends and accept each other at our current points in life.

Now, having said all of that, I understand that not all of you will be accepting or understanding. I'm not here to argue with you about either of our stances. All I'll say is that before you post anything vulgar, ignorant or bigoted (which will lead me to deleting it and blocking you anyway), I'm asking you to do this instead:

-Let your comments on this pass.
-Unfriend me.
-Move on with your life.

Simple.

To those of you who stay and have competent, constructive questions, I'd be more than happy to answer them. Especially on Messenger.

Moving forward, if I want to post a picture of myself as [my masculine self] spending time with my daughter and my mom, I'll continue to do so. If I go out as Trixie and have fun with my friends or my girlfriend, I'll also do that.

I still don't plan on posting much political discourse on here because that's just not me. But me being my full, authentic self isn't a political issue. It's a human one.

Thank you."

I was expecting tons of backlash and dozens of people to unfriend or block me. Instead, I got an overwhelming amount of support. People whom I hadn't spoken to in years were telling me how brave I was and that they accepted me. I even had the one foreign exchange student from my senior year of high school, literally hadn't spoken to him in 20 years, messaging me his support. I was so overwhelmed with relief and happiness. People can absolutely surprise you at times.

I did lose three people, as I noticed my friend count went down. But, for the life of me, I can't figure out who it was. Must've not been important lol.

So, I'm more open about myself to the people at home now. It's early yet and things can always go wrong. However, the support I have from my friends, my family, and my girlfriend give me the resolve to keep pushing forward with my life and my openness on who I am.

Now I get to come out to my psychologist today. Thank goodness for HIPAA.Wish me luck! 😁



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