Call Me Trixie

Not only being out of the dating game for so long but also embracing myself more on dating apps as Trixie has really opened my eyes. Dating has absolutely changed over the past two decades. Whether for the better or not is entirely in the eye of the beholder. For instance, it's way more acceptable to be not only LGBTQ but to be polyamorous. For those who don't know, polyamorous is where you don't limit yourself to just one partner. This can bring up ethical issues if everyone isn't aware or accepting. This leads to another term: polycule. Going off the polyamorous route, polycule is where you do have multiple partners and everyone understands and accepts the situation. In fact, I've been surprised how many times on the apps I've found someone who said they were "partnered but dating separately." These days, it seems old fashioned to be monogamous. Granted, I am old fashioned in that sense and wish for monogamy. However, I'm also willing to explore ...

In life, you have plenty of near misses. Whether it's a job, a school, a sports result, a relationship, anything, you always wonder what if? I'm no different in that regard. Growing up, I wanted to be a radio DJ as well as a wrestling commentator. I also wanted to wrestle in college as it was my best sport growing up. I gave up on wrestling quickly as I realized just the time and energy I'd have to devote to it. When it came to college, I was there for an education and everything else was secondary. So, I didn't even finish filling out the paperwork to join the team. While I did commentate on a variety of collegiate sports, the wrestling commentator part had to go next. I was willing to travel around the world but nobody would give me a foot in the door without experience. I did get to be a radio DJ off and on for years. The problems were many: I didn't live in a big city, I graduated right when the Great Recession hit which meant no full time jobs, the money was no...

One facet of my life that has always served as an escape has been video games. Growing up, I went through the standard types associated with boys: shooters, sports, action. But, as I got older, I grew to appreciate story driven games more and more.  Don't get me wrong: I still get enjoyment from blowing up enemies from a well timed airstrike whenever I feel like picking COD back up. However, it's the games involving major exploration or character drama that has me most interested; especially if it involves LGBTQ themes. I don't have to tell you that our community has been vastly either under or misrepresented in not just video games but media in general. If an LGBTQ character was included at all, they were either portrayed as the overly feminine males or overly masculine females. Any trans or genderfluid character was usually the result of mental illness. On the rare occasion when a character was portrayed as LGBTQ without these overly dramatic qualities, they were usually ...

I usually don't get too political on here but I felt it was necessary in this case. Too many times, people on the right try to discredit and disrespect members of our community by saying something along the lines of, "if they keep changing genders then what do I call them?" Well, you can start with their preferred name for starters. You can also ask them their preferred pronouns. Of course, you can never go wrong with gender neutral pronouns like they/them. It's funny that of all the issues facing the LGBTQ community, this one seems to be a major sticking point for the far right. It does go deeper than that with representation for trans athletes, artists, politicians and even just for their employment status. Think about it: you have a whiny blonde cry about "losing" to an athlete and blaming it on the other person being trans. Yet, everyone forgets that the ditzy blonde (who, surprise surprise, is now constantly a talking head on TV) actually tied for fifth...

Hello, my loves. I hope you had a lovely weekend. Mine was spent enjoying time with my daughter. We hit up several trunk or treat events in our area. Her costume this year was titled Pumpkin Patch Ghoul. She had a cool but scary pumpkin mask, a jack-o'-lantern styled shirt, black pants and a black cape. I went as Suburban Dad Michael Myers. I had a Michael Myers mask, a black robe with red trim, a plastic knife, and a coffee mug. Underneath that, I wore regular jeans, black shoes and a T-shirt that read "I'm not what's wrong. What's wrong is this world." It was funny how people reacted to me. It was obvious that Willow was a child. Especially since I made sure she told everyone "thank you." Since I was in character, I didn't talk while we were around other people. Only head movements and hand gestures (not the one fingered gesture either). One place (a car dealership) realized immediately that I was an adult as all the salespeople kept handing me...

My magic trick is to convince the world that I don't exist. This modified version of the Charles Baudelaire verse is, sadly, the case for many in our community. Whether being trans or genderfluid and having to look like our birth gender on a daily basis or being gay and having to act hetero to not make the non-LGBTQ people uncomfortable and hateful. Under the current political climate, I feel little can change. I'm not different in that regard. It's been weeks since I've been able to dress as Trixie (too much to do as my masculine self last weekend and Willow is with us this weekend) and nearly two months since I've been fully out as her. Granted, for lots of October, my gender gauge has been slightly pointed at "Male" but Trixie never fully goes away. A certain song, a sweet smell, an internet meme and she's just fighting to bubble up to the top. If I had more guts, I'd just show up to work one day and proclaim: "Today, my name is Trixie! Yes...

As a child growing up in the 90s, I heard and said lots of words that are obviously not acceptable nowadays. One of them was a homophobic slur that begins with F. While, technically I could say it since I'm now part of the LGBTQ community, I will refrain from doing so. It's too easy to fall down a rabbit hole like that. Plus, I said it was too many times growing up. Back then, as a preteen (and even as a naive teenager), I tended to say things that I didn't fully understand. Sadly, all of us did. Even sadder, lots of those same kids who are now adults still say it. Or, almost as bad, say "that's gay" when they mean "that's stupid." This is part of the culture to which we were presented and is one that we all are still trying to fix. Never do I use that, or any insidious, f word in front of my daughter. If the day ever comes when she asks about it or even says it, I'll at least be able to explain to her why it's not okay. I wish I had a da...

When you're genderfluid and pansexual in a very red part of your home state, you have to be careful with whom you trust with information. While that circle of trust has grown for me over the past few months especially, it's still a number of only about a couple of dozen people. That number definitely doesn't include many women in the dating pool. In fact, because of where I live and how most people perceive members of the LGBTQ community, I haven't put myself out there for women in this area much. Granted, I did have that date a month or so ago with that one area girl (who, by the way, seems to have a steady boyfriend now. And good for her. She deserves happiness after all she's gone through). However, she was the exception; not the norm. For most of the women in this area, they act like this: "Well golly! I'm just a god-fearing, country girl looking for my white trash prince! Y'all better love hunting, dirt biking, mudding, and singers like Conway Twit...

This past weekend was the first weekend since August where I didn't spend at least one of those days with Griffin for most of it. I realized this yesterday and it made me think of how much I missed him. I did drive him part of the way to his work conference but it's not the same thing. Thirty minutes versus almost twelve hours makes quite the difference. Part of this feeling is because we'd spent so much time together recently. I don't have many close friends and I truly value the time spent with the ones I do have. Another part is he's absolutely my best friend right now. We have tons in common, including a similar mindset on the way of the world currently, and people like that can be hard to find in this area. Plus, when you travel around with someone as much as we have, you absolutely grow closer to that person. Finally, I know that I still have feelings for him. While I know he's not interested in me like that, I also can't shut off the feelings I have f...

Hello, my loves. I hope you had a wonderful weekend. Mine was fairly standard: errands, watching football, watching scary movies (the entire VHS franchise). It also included more time on my dating apps. While I do have 1-2 now whom I message regularly and are fairly normal conversations, I still get messages from new people who can be anything but "normal." Granted, I expect the fetish style messages to come rolling in as it's just the nature of some people in these apps. It's just odd how they start off easy enough and then quickly develop into sexual discussions with the very next message. This isn't bragging (it might sound like it) but I have gotten likes and messages from a variety of people. The young, the old, the cute, the not so cute, the singles, the couples, the normal, the weird. And everything in between. I also have started receiving the unsolicited nude pics. While I'm flattered, it's also odd to me that someone would be so "intimate...

Several years ago, there was a meme showing a comic strip panel. It featured a couple about to engage in sex with the red-headed female stating "Before we go any further..." She then strips down to nothing (with hair and panel cutoffs carefully placed to hide any nudity) before stating "So...this is me..." The meme then usually concludes with some funny or weird phrase from the male. The comic strip from which this meme was taken is called Questionable Content. It's a daily online strip written and drawn by Jeph Jacques. It's featured a slice of life style for his numerous characters for over 20 years now. The couple in this particular strip are Marten, the defacto main character, and his girlfriend Claire. This strip is actually the first time that the two have sex. It's a big moment for the strip because Claire is transgendered. The actual comment from Marten in the strip is a smile with the words "You're beautiful." We never find out abo...

I was working on some reports yesterday when I realized the date: October 15th. It would've been my 14th wedding anniversary had I still been married. Jokingly, I messaged my ex and wished her a "Happy almost 14th lol." She laughed, thanked me and said "You too." While I don't miss her, I do miss what she represented: a life partner. Friends and family are always appreciated. But having someone with you every step of the way can be a wonderful feeling...at least until it's ruined by poor attitudes, bad judgment and even divorce. It made me think of the others whom I dated after I divorced my wife. MLD is the main one whom I wished could've ended differently (I still do but I know that she'll never change. So I have to move on). Many others were a hopeful trip that turned into a dead end. Some were simply a passing fancy on the road of life. Others still were only interested in me for one thing (usually money) and not actual romance. Granted, I...

I finished reading another wonderful book last week: If I Was Your Girl (hence the name of this post) by Meredith Russo. Not only do I love the book but it's title also reminds me of the Pixies song "Here Comes Your Man." So I have to listen to it whenever I can lol. If I Was Your Girl tells the story of a girl named Amanda moving to a new school and who happens to be transgender. Russo describes how Amanda has gone through her hormones as well as both top and bottom surgery. Amanda is her most authentic self and easily passes as a girl. Russo herself admits that this was done mostly for cisgender readers to fully comprehend the story and isn't always true to life. She does state though that even if you don't pass as your authentic self, "There is no wrong way to express and embody your most authentic self! You are beautiful, and you deserve to have your body and identity and agency respected" (pg.277). Amanda goes through the usual angst of high school:...

People like to talk about "crossing items off the bucket list." I also had such a list and have pretty much completed everything on it (it wasn't too long and I've been lucky). The one item which I never thought I'd be able to cross off was to travel to Tokyo, Japan for my birthday. I've admired Japanese culture for a long time. Part of that is due to Japanese pro wrestling (or puroresu). During times in the US scene where things would be more theatrical or comedic during the 1990s, the thought was always that Japan featured pro wrestling closer to a sport or was more "real" (turns out, they can offer even sillier action than anything produced in the US, but so goes the myth). My favorite group in Japan has been New Japan Pro Wrestling. This is mostly due to their annual Tokyo Dome show falling on my birthday every year. Growing up, you don't fully realize the value of a dollar until you become an adult. Getting a job, getting married, starting a...

Good morning, my loves. I hope you had a wonderful weekend.  Mine wasn't filled with too much excitement. I mostly enjoyed spending time with my family and Griffin at home; either watching football or scary movies. I've now watched the first two Terrifier movies this October and I definitely believe that the second one is better than the first (better character development, little down time, crazy kills, great soundtrack). The interesting part of this past weekend was I was in full masculine mode the entire time. In fact, I'd felt more like my masculine self since about Thursday night or early Friday morning. I'm not entirely certain as to why my meter switched from feminine to masculine but it did. The best guess I have is that the main people with whom I'm conversing on the dating apps are feminine, which is naturally making me respond in a more masculine manner. Also, since I don't dress up as Trixie yet around my daughter, I'm always my masculine self ar...

As I've mentioned before, after I was fired from the hospital in 2017, I had a mental breakdown. I had a baby daughter who was barely seven months old, tons of debt, a wife who now had a history of cheating, and I'd just lost my job. When HR had their meeting with me to tell me I was initially being suspended, the tears wouldn't stop flowing. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, lost, and limp. Seeing my state, they gave me the number for the mental health department. I called as soon as I found the strength to stand and leave for my car. After admitting to my wife what had happened (and expecting her to take off with my daughter but being surprised that she didn't), I headed off for an appointment I'd made with a therapist. I discussed with her what happened, my feelings and how I felt that it would be better if I weren't alive anymore. I said that I didn't have a plan (I lied) but how it would be easier since Willow was so young that she wouldn't remember me. ...

People like to tell a joke whenever you're looking for work: try health care! There are always sick people! The year I was engaged to my now ex-wife, I heard that joke a lot. I had been working at a factory in the final assembly department for building gas meters. It gave me permanent soreness with temporary numbness and tingling in both arms (my doctor tells me it's not carpal tunnel but it's similar. Outlook and treatment is also the same). Coupling that with our plant constantly sustaining mass layoffs and I was looking for something more sustainable in a career. I was told by a friend that their fiance was working at a nursing home. Not only were they hiring but they would pay you while they provided training. They offered me a job shadowing session to make sure I could handle the daily work. While I said I absolutely could (I wanted out of that factory job), the smell of human waste stayed in my clothes from that first day for a week. Still, I took the job and got used...

Something that gives me absolute joy as Trixie is my wigs being super long and cute. Spending my entire life with my hair short gives me a greater appreciation for being able to play with my hair long. Brushing it, fixing it, making sure it's still straight. Even when it's messy, it looks so cute! Growing up, my natural hair wouldn't grow down; it would grow out. It would be even worse from summer humidity and the dry air from heaters during the winter. I inherited my mom's wavy hair and my dad's super curly hair. So, mine gets super thick, curly and wavy. In other words: an absolute mess to manage when I let it go. However, that is quickly changing. Not only has it gone from brown to gray over the past several years but it's also getting thinner and thinner. My forehead is increasing with every trip to the hair stylist. Now, most men would worry about this. They'd try different brushing techniques, buying hair growth products or take more drastic measures (...

As I mentioned last week, I started up on some online dating apps as Trixie for the first time. You'll also remember that I've been dealing with lots of sleazy horndogs as well. That started to change at the end of last week. In fact, I'm currently chatting with four people. They include: two cute trans girls, a cute goth envy, and a cute young guy. The two girls and I have lots in common, especially in our fashion senses. But also with video games, music and general sensibilities. They're the types where, even if nothing happened romantically with us, I would love to just hang out with them. For those uninitiated, "enby" is a term for nonbinary individuals (N.B. or enby). That usually means that they prefer the pronouns of they/them rather than he/she/her/him. Still, whenever meeting someone who is nonbinary, always check with them to see which they prefer. It may seem awkward at first but it's just good manners. Anyway, the new enby in my life actually l...

Hello, my loves. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. Mine was fairly busy despite that not being the initial plan. This past weekend was to be the first one in a few months wherein I didn't go out of town, go shopping, go to a movie, go to a wrestling show or any event of any kind. I was so tired, mentally and emotionally, that I wanted to just relax and do nothing for two days. What's the saying about best laid plans? So, I got home Friday night and my mom mentioned that my one aunt would be visiting the next day for a few hours with us taking her out to lunch. Wanting to be personable, I was a gracious host and not only conversed with my aunt but drove both her and my mom out to lunch. I would've paid but my aunt was insistent (I did swap out her $10 tip with a $20 though, so I felt like I contributed). Once I got home, I tried watching some college football but gave up at halftime when my favorite team decided to play like absolute garbage. So, I went with something ...

People can have lots of different vices to help when they're stressed. Some drink, some smoke, some even do drugs (I don't judge anyone enjoying a little bit of Mother Earth's great green herb. I mean the harder stuff). My vice was always food. Whenever I was stressed or sad or even just bored, I'd immediately go straight for the kitchen or pantry to find something to eat. Any good feelings from doing so would quickly evaporate whenever I would next step onto the scale. Stress eating became a big habit at one point in my life due to working in a hospital at the time and my continuing issues in my marriage. Even after I left that job and the divorce was finalized, I still used food as a coping mechanism. By the time 2023 rolled around and I was actually ready to do something about it (or so I thought), the scales read 336.5 pounds. I was up to wearing size 5XL shirts that had to be specially ordered because no local stores carried them. I talked to my doctor and they sug...

When it comes to actively trying to date, whether I'm the one courting or the one being courted, I have a habit of getting wrapped up in things way too quickly. Since starting my online dating profile, it's been amazing to see how much attention I can draw. Granted, I used my cutest pictures as Trixie. Still, to have this many people message me has been amazing. However, I'm not certain if I'll find someone with whom to have a lasting connection. Way too many people on the app want only one thing and they want it immediately. That's not something with which I'm comfortable, especially with someone to  whom I just started talking. The saddest part was one guy with whom I spoke over the past couple of days. He seemed just right for me. He's local (which is nice since most of the people interested in me seem to live 90 minutes or more away), he's nerdy like me, he has a PhD (I took the little bit of information at hand on him and checked him out for a hot m...

As today begins, we now face the start of, in my opinion, the most wonderful time of the year: October. As everyone knows who read my post called My Laura Dean, Christmas no longer thrills me as I associate it with when MLD broke up with me. I just go through the motions every year now for my daughter. October is a totally different matter. The reason: it's the perfect excuse to watch nothing but scary movies. As a species, we have a habit of wanting to be scared. Even those of us who say we hate it secretly love it. Something in our brains just desires to experience the emotion of fear. Growing up, there were plenty of moments in movies that either scared or startled me (Corey Feldman driving a stake through the heart of the one vampire in the cave in The Lost Boys, the Ark opening in Raiders of the Lost Ark, Private Pyle's bathroom scene in Full Metal Jacket). However, the first scary movie to give me nightmares was Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives. My parents had HBO (ye...