Lonely Day

When it comes to actively trying to date, whether I'm the one courting or the one being courted, I have a habit of getting wrapped up in things way too quickly.

Since starting my online dating profile, it's been amazing to see how much attention I can draw. Granted, I used my cutest pictures as Trixie. Still, to have this many people message me has been amazing.

However, I'm not certain if I'll find someone with whom to have a lasting connection.

Way too many people on the app want only one thing and they want it immediately. That's not something with which I'm comfortable, especially with someone to  whom I just started talking.

The saddest part was one guy with whom I spoke over the past couple of days. He seemed just right for me. He's local (which is nice since most of the people interested in me seem to live 90 minutes or more away), he's nerdy like me, he has a PhD (I took the little bit of information at hand on him and checked him out for a hot minute on Facebook. The PhD is legit), and he seriously seemed interested in getting to know me as a person.

At first.

Despite his intelligence and seemingly friendly nature, it only took about 12 hours before he devolved into telling me what he really wanted. About how much he wanted to see me naked, how much he wanted to go down on me, how much he really wanted to have sex with me.

I kept telling him to slow down and "let's work our way up to that" but he persisted with this line of questioning.

Finally, I asked him what we would do if he took me out somewhere on a date. I haven't heard from him since and that was two days ago now.

To have such a wonderful conversation end the same way as did the conversation with the Horny Neanderthal was just heartbreaking for me. It didn't help matters that he mentioned how much he loved cuddling or hugging and I so want to be held by someone these days.

I kept thinking about this all day yesterday to the point where my depression took over. No suicidal thoughts thankfully, but just an overall sense of loneliness.

Sadly, this isn't the first time my brain has betrayed me from similar situations. When you go most of your life not getting to enjoy the emotion of romance, you try to enjoy every opportunity that comes your way.

Obviously, the problem becomes that when something so small in the grand scheme of things ends, you grow more and more upset. This is a drawback to putting myself out there that I'd either forgotten or thought I could handle now. Turns out, some things are just ingrained in me.

I might be old fashioned but I just enjoy the sense of either courting someone or them courting me. Having a meet cute, going on dates, eventually embracing with a hug, kiss and even more. Developing a real, emotional connection with someone.

Hopefully, I can find that but my confidence isn't high.

As for my depression, I know it'll pass eventually. This is why I still check in with my psychologist and keep my Wellbutrin prescription. My brain did mess with my sleep schedule last night though, so I'll really be struggling today at work.

Still, at least with work to do, it'll give me something on which to focus other than my loneliness.

At least until I can find someone to fill this hole in my heart.

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