What Could've Been

In life, you have plenty of near misses. Whether it's a job, a school, a sports result, a relationship, anything, you always wonder what if?

I'm no different in that regard.

Growing up, I wanted to be a radio DJ as well as a wrestling commentator. I also wanted to wrestle in college as it was my best sport growing up.

I gave up on wrestling quickly as I realized just the time and energy I'd have to devote to it. When it came to college, I was there for an education and everything else was secondary. So, I didn't even finish filling out the paperwork to join the team.

While I did commentate on a variety of collegiate sports, the wrestling commentator part had to go next. I was willing to travel around the world but nobody would give me a foot in the door without experience.

I did get to be a radio DJ off and on for years. The problems were many: I didn't live in a big city, I graduated right when the Great Recession hit which meant no full time jobs, the money was no longer there, and radio as a medium is dying essentially. Couple that altogether and I was never going to make a real living as a DJ. Thankfully, my degree did open doors to other opportunities and I'm very happy in my current employment position.

As far was relationship what ifs, there have been several over the years.

There was a girl in high school who had interest in me. She was a year behind me. I mostly thought of her as a friend because she was in an on again, off again relationship with another guy. However, because I treated her so well whenever we'd see each other, I think she started developing feelings for me.

Fast forward to my graduation and she's there in the crowd. I realized later that she was there specifically for me.

We talked for a bit after the ceremony and she gave me a long hug. Not really sure how to respond, I didn't fully reciprocate. Disappointed, she shrugged, said "I guess I'll see you around," and walked off. I never saw her again.

My girlfriend from while I was in college was also the first person with whom I was ever intimate. That definitely played a part in how hard I fell for her.

Still, we always got along and would spend nearly everyday together during my summer break. Then, she had serious trouble with her stepmom and decided to move out. She felt it was best to move in with her aunt who lived several states away. While she assured me that we could make it work long distance, I was constantly worried after she told me.

So, she moved and I went back to college. Two weeks later, she broke up with me via text. I had to beg her for a phone call explanation.

Several years later, she'd moved back and we reconnected. She was now divorced and had a child of her own. It seemed like we were heading back to where we'd been. Only this time, I screwed it up.

She had to work multiple jobs and told me to please be patient with her. What did I do? Got super impatient. So, we fell out of touch again. She seems to have found her someone though as she's been in a steady relationship for a few years now.

Right after she broke up with me in college, I'd gotten the attention of another girl also attending the school. In fact, she asked me out. We went out once but I still wasn't over my previous girlfriend and it was too obvious. 

She would try engaging with me as much as possible but my head was in a different stratosphere over the breakup. Eventually, she moved on.

They're married now and is either trans or genderfluid. At least they found their someone as well.

I've gone in depth before about my ex wife (Till Death Do Us Part?) and MLD (My Laura Dean), so I won't repeat myself on them really.

All I'll say is I do wish sometimes that things ended differently with MLD and myself. She was the last time I got that close to a long term relationship and is the measuring stick for anyone after her.

While I still have some internal bitterness from my ex wife and how she treated me, in the end, I'm glad I was with her. If not, my daughter wouldn't be here. So, all the stress and heartbreak was worth it.

We've all had what ifs in our lives and I know I'm probably not done with them.

That's all part of living. And living is what I'll continue to do.