Call Me Trixie

A couple of weeks ago, I started up an account on Blue Sky: the more liberal and safer version of Twitter (suck it, Elon). I'm sure several of you actually followed me here from there. If you haven't, I'm @trixiemarie1969.bsky.social. It's mostly just me commenting on interesting or funny memes, posting some random musings as well as some pictures (no full face reveals yet), and sharing my daily blog. But onto the juicier part: I also started an online dating profile on Friday. I won't mention which specific one but it's one that supposedly caters to members of the LGBTQ community. Whenever I would try this out as my masculine self, I wasn't getting much traction at all. If I got a match, I considered that a victory. However, if I did get a match, it was usually the only one for weeks on end, they'd never message me, I'd get frustrated and bored before finally deleting it altogether. This time, I made the profile as Trixie. I do mention on there how ...

Hello, my loves. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. This past weekend, I was in full boy mode on Saturday. I had my daughter Willow and took her clothes shopping. As I've said before, I'm still presenting as my masculine self around my daughter as I'm worried about causing any strains or confusion for her. She knows about me as Trixie but knowing and experiencing are two different things. So, I went out with a worn out pair of jeans and a grey t-shirt. I haven't shaved in over a week, so this was as manly as I could look. I took her first to a discount department store and then to TJ Maxx. Despite me being there with Willow, it was interesting to see the looks I got from the other shoppers. Granted, I'm presenting as a man in the women's clothing department but there's a female child with me. So, what's the problem? I tried to not make eye contact or would simply nod and say "excuse me" if I had to walk past anyone. But still, they seemed ...

The nice thing about Griffin being a librarian is he's really in tune with different book genres. So, when I asked him for any recommendations for LGBTQ books, he was not only well qualified but also very willing to help. The first one he suggested was Symptoms of Being Human by Jeff Garvin. It deals with a genderfluid high school student named Riley starting their junior year at a new school. At the beginning of the book, they've come out to their therapist but not their parents. Also, their dad is a congressman (and is heavily implied to be a Republican). This helps push the drama at home for Riley and the whole "will they or won't they tell them" story arc. School for a genderfluid student goes as well on Riley's first day as you'd expect. They do meet a few people whom become friends (football player Solo) or eventually something more (goth girl Bec). When they're not at school or going through usual high school angst, Riley writes a blog (another ...

As noted before, I'm divorced with one daughter from that marriage. In fact, my ex-wife married the man with whom she'd been cheating on me. Let's call him Chase. They're still together (for now) and have a son together. I do my best to cooperate and co-parent with them. I feel it's important for all of us to get along as much as possible for my daughter Willow's sake. That isn't always easy though... Due to their own financial mismanagement (good to see my ex never changes with how she handles money), they had to move out of a house that was next to Chase's parents in a gated community (which I'm sure the parents helped them pay for it) to a duplex rental on the main street of a very small town. Since they moved, Chase wanted to ask the school if Willow could have an additional bus stop. It would be closer to their new home and only be for days in which they were responsible for Willow anyway. Chase told me his plan and I was apprehensive about it. ...

Coming to grips with who and what I am means I've had several people to whom I admire. I'll be talking about each of them individually but I'll start with Effy. For those of you who don't know him, Effy is an independent pro wrestler, the current GCW World Heavyweight Champion, and is a proud, out gay man. The pro wrestling world has always had an interesting relationship with the LGBTQ community. Many times, the roles of our community have been to be the comedy act, to be over sexualized to make the straight cisgender fans uncomfortable, and even to be a role as punishment for not getting over as one's true self. In Mexico, exoticos (or trans wrestlers) have a long tradition in the culture. Once again, many have actually been straight in real life and used as comedic fodder but many have gone on to be legends in the wrestling world, such as Cassandro and Pimpinela Escarlota. When I first saw Effy, he was in a similar situation: mid card and overly sexual for comedi...

Yesterday, we covered my Sunday and how wonderful it truly was for me. Today, we're backtracking to my Saturday. It was very noteworthy in its own right. Griffin and I went to a nearby town to enjoy a movie as well as take in a local wrestling show. Our movie theater doesn't show certain movies (scary, overly sexy or indy), so we travel out of town if we really want to see it. I was initially planning to dress up as Trixie but decided to go as my masculine self due to the wrestling show. The crowds for wrestling in this area wouldn't be as accepting of me as Trixie. Still, I identified all day as feminine and was more playful, flirtatious and fun as a result (I think anyway). We started with lunch at Red Robin (Yum). This was my first time eating there and I decided on a bacon cheeseburger since their burgers always look so good in their commercials. It was the right call; the burger flavor was AMAZING! Next, we did some shopping at a department store as well as Hot Topic a...

Hello, loves. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. Mine was eventful, as seems to be typical for me these days. I need to get back to spending two straight days of doing nothing but watching movies, TV shows, YouTube videos and playing video games. But I digress. My day yesterday was very important in my personal growth and level of acceptance as Trixie. While I've gone out now several times as Trixie, this was the first time where I stayed home as her. It was a way to help make myself feel more comfortable as Trixie and also to get my mom used to the idea of her as well. For only the third time in my life, I did my makeup on my own. While it wasn't the total disaster of my first ever attempt, it still isn't as perfect as when Kitty does it for me. I still have to sharpen my eye shadow skills for sure. As for my outfit, I went with a long sleeve black top, my black leggings, and a very cute full length denim skirt with buttons up the front. I also went with my favorite w...

So yesterday's post, while I do believe the opinions I expressed, also had more self pity than I had intended. The reason for that was I had a ton of stressors eating away at me yesterday. The worst one being an episode of gender dysphoria. I'd mentioned this before in a previous post but for anyone unfamiliar with the term: gender dysphoria refers to when you're having trouble reconciling how you feel inside gender wise with your physical gender appearance. It hit me hard yesterday. I didn't sleep well the previous night, which didn't help matters. But I also just felt really off. Like my mind couldn't understand why I was walking around as my masculine self when I was very much internalizing as Trixie. I couldn't stand to look at my clothing, the mirror was my mortal enemy, and I got sick and tired of everyone calling me by my masculine name. I'm shocked I didn't have a complete breakdown with an ugly cry at that moment in my office. Thankfully, I ...

Since I started both sharing and going out as Trixie, I've had lots of affirming comments from people. "You're doing great." "I'm proud of you." "You're so brave." Am I? Am I really that brave when I can't be honest with most people with whom I interact on a daily basis? Whether justified or not, I don't feel brave when I'm hiding a part of myself every day. To me, the truly brave ones are those who have come out completely. Just ripped the bandaid off, told the entire world who they were, and never looked back. Brave are the ones who know that doing so will end relationships, friendships, even families. The truly brave ones are those who can go to work as their true selves; even though they know they'll face stares, ignorance, taunts, and possibly even termination of employment. The brave are the ones who willingly put themselves on the front line of any and all hardships, come what may. I don't see myself that way. In ...

Have you ever wondered why you have the romantic feelings that you do? Could it, literally, be a situation of the chemicals and neurons in your brain firing a certain way? My best guy friend Griffin asked me about this the other day and it got me thinking about such a situation. It's a very interesting possibility. After all, scientists have barely been able to map the entirety of the human brain. Just last year, scientists studied and mapped one-millionth of one entire brain. The information they found within it was approximately 1.4 petabytes of data (peta is the next highest decimal point after tera). And that's just a tiny sliver. Even the scientists questioned how they would ever understand anything that complex. While a lot of this is beyond my realm of understanding, it's still quite fascinating. If the day came that we could ever fully understand how the human brain worked, it could tell us so much about ourselves. Why do we find certain people and genders more attr...

Sadly, it's been several years now since I had full on, penetrative sex with anyone. However, that doesn't mean I've been a nun during that stretch. After all, I have two perfectly functional hands (let's call them Poncho and Lefty: also the nicknames Pamela Anderson gave to her breasts). I strongly believe in the idea of "self love." Just because you don't have a lover of your own means you should deprive yourself of a sexual release. Such frustration could drive anyone insane. I'm sure it won't come as any surprise that I've had to indulge myself many times over the years. Also, I'm not above watching adult materials to help me out in that situation. They can help me get the fantasy juices flowing. As long as it's legal material. If you have to access the dark web for it then it's nothing in which I'm interested. Growing up as a male, my obvious go to materials were women. Every red blooded boy going through puberty is enamore...

Good morning, loves. Hope you all had a wonderful weekend 😘 Mine was spent with my daughter (let's call her Willow from now on) and my best guy friend Griffin. Willow is an excellent student. I can honestly say that's one of the best qualities that she did inherit from her mother. I told her last week that if she studied hard and did well on her school quizzes that I'd reward her with a trip to an arcade that she likes. She responded with three perfect scores. She also enjoys spending time with Griffin as well. So, we brought him with us. First, we had some lunch at Applebee's. It's such an enjoyable time for me to enjoy food such as buffalo wings with football across multiple TVs (in this case, college football). After that, we checked out the mall which houses the arcade. While Griffin went off to explore the various shops still housed in the half empty mall, Willow and I spent the better part of two and a half hours playing the various games in the arcade.  Whil...

Obviously, since I've lived as a cisgender man for most of my life, my romantic history mostly involves women. While I had the usual high school romances and crushes that we all experience (and typically go nowhere. I'm seriously impressed by those who stick with their high school flames and even marry as well as grow old with them), my first serious girlfriend was my sophomore year of college.  We worked together at a convenience store back home. I'd come home on extended breaks from school. We started hanging out and decided that we enjoyed each other's company. So, after a few days, we decided to become a couple. We waited about a month or two before we had sex. I'm sorry to say that I was a virgin until that point. While the first time was my longest time, it was mostly me figuring out what to do. She couldn't be kinder. That first time was hardly the only (or last) time. I had to make up for lost time, after all 😜 I kid but we had so much fun together. We...

(Note: today's post discusses matters such as depression and suicide. Please proceed with caution if these topics may have a triggering effect. If you are in crisis, please contact someone: a close friend, family matter, a therapist, or even the crisis hotline by dialing 9-8-8 in the US. You're much too important to leave this world. Never forget that.) Throughout my life, I was picked on, bullied, ignored and the like for most of it. Growing up, kids always found a reason to make fun of me: too skinny, too short, too fat, too nerdy, too unfashionable, too flamboyant, too quiet. And the list continued. When experiencing this, especially in the 90s, nobody ever tells you that it's nothing wrong that you did but something wrong that the others are doing. It doesn't help whenever you try to confide in an adult, they're no help whatsoever.  "Just ignore them," "what are you doing to make them do that," "nobody likes a tattletale." I heard t...

Whenever you look at yourself in the mirror, does the reflection looking back at you actually look like you? I've mentioned before that, for a very long time, I haven't always liked or recognized the person I see in the mirror. All of us have flaws but my masculine self has never seemed "right" to me. Even just yesterday at work, any time I'd use the restroom, I was almost always shocked by the person staring back at me. The hair (both the color and the thinning nature of it), the blemishes, the constant stubble that never seems to go away with shaving, the extra hairs showing up on my nostrils and ears that also won't seem to fully leave me. It all just seems alien to me. Whenever I present in public as Trixie, it's the complete opposite. I can't stop looking at myself in the mirror. I love the way I look. My wigs (especially the black one with red streaks) look gorgeous, my clothes look amazing on me, my makeup helps accentuates my best facial featur...

Yesterday, I talked about my date this past weekend with Carol. For anyone who read my posts last week, they know that I have a crush on a man called Griffin. I'd been super flirty with him for a while. Plus, we'd tried sitting close and hugging the weekend before that to see how he could handle it. I didn't want to rush too fast in case it was too much for him. You see, he's only dated women in his life. Also, his success level has not been the best and it has caused him to lack the confidence necessary to attempt any romantic interaction with women of late. I'm sure that's part of why I have a crush on him because I feel for him in that regard. Anyway, I told him right away about my date coming up with Carol. I figured it would surprise him a bit (which I'm sure it did) but he also seemed a bit disappointed and jealous when I told him. He was worried about me getting my hopes up with Carol, which I do understand. But I also think part of it was I was going...

Hello loves. I hope you all had a great weekend. Mine was very eventful! As the title indicates, I had a date; my first in nearly four years. It was with a lady (let's call her Carol) with whom I've been talking to for a few months now. We met through a mutual friend (who likes to play matchmaker with her single friends). Initially, I believed that we would only amount to being friends. However, she has continued to message me and complain about how the men in her life have been treating her (she gets asked out constantly by men from all walks of life but they all seem to only want one thing). Therefore, I decided to ask her out to show her how a "true gentleman" is supposed to act on a date (since I'm genderfluid, I put true gentleman in quotation marks lol). She knows about me being pan and genderfluid. I was open and honest about that from the very beginning. She always says how refreshing it is how open about myself I am around her. While I wouldn't be so ...

When exploring one's gender identity, that is the question that many must face. With anything, there's pros and cons to both arguments. Currently, I identify more internally as Trixie than my masculine self. Honestly, I look in the mirror and I don't always like my masculine self. I haven't for some time. As soon as I started putting my look of Trixie together, I fell in love with myself again. Every time I look at a picture of myself as Trixie, I smile. I wish I felt safe enough to be Trixie more often than I do. However, just because I feel more like a woman doesn't mean it'll stay that way. I've gone back and forth many times this year with how I feel internally. If I were to transition, I feel as though that would almost "lock me in" to just being Trixie. Next thing to worry about is the cost. My employer does provide excellent health insurance but I doubt that it would cover much, if anything, for transitioning (I have such little faith that I...

 Let's call him Griffin. He's someone with whom I've been friends for many years now. Funny enough, he actually started as friends with my ex-wife. However, unlike the rest who sided with her, Griffin stayed friends with me. We get along really well because we have so many similar interests: pro wrestling, music, movies, TV shows, comics (although he's team Superman and I'm solidly a Batman guy). I think the first time we hung out together, just the two of us, was when I won two tickets to an NXT pro wrestling house show. I was still married but my wife wanted to stay home to take care of our daughter. Since Griffin was a big pro wrestling fan, I took him instead. We had an amazing time hanging out together. The first of many such instances. Since then, we've taken many trips together; mostly to pro wrestling shows.  We've seen everything from local indies to GCW to New Japan to more NXT and even WrestleMania. Each trip has been a blast with us popping each ...

It's an odd concept for me to embrace. I was in one of those households where you learned that you grow up, get a job, marry someone, have a family, and live happily ever after. Pretty funny considering my mom was my dad's second wife but oh well. While I love the physical act, I also believe in the emotional attachment as well that goes with sex. I can hear some of you out there now: Trixie, it's just sex! Don't get so worked up about it! I'm well aware that lots of people feel that way but the emotional aspect is just engrained in my way of thinking. If I have sex with someone, it's very difficult to not get attached. There was one time when I did try casual sex. It was after my ex-wife and right before MLD. I'd gone out to a bar to drown my sorrows one night. This beautiful blonde woman came up to me. She was about my age at the time (early to mid 30s), black spaghetti strapped top, tight jeans, and black heels. We engaged in small talk as I bought her a ...

 Good morning, loves. Hope you had a wonderful weekend and Labor Day! 😊  As promised, I'm talking today about My Laura Dean (referred to as MLD for the rest of this post). I'd known MLD for many years. Ironically enough, she had begun dating my wife's previous long term boyfriend from right before her and I got together. When we heard he repeated certain patterns with MLD that he had with my wife, we decided to reach out to her and meet up. We stayed out all night with her. Despite me being married, there was almost instant chemistry between MLD and myself. Since I was "happily" married though, I never pursued anything. Years went by and we were merely acquaintances. This lasted until my separation and divorce. One night, I reached out to MLD. She had also been having a tough time and I thought we could hang out and trade "war stories." Without going into details, MLD and her children have had serious trauma and drama for most of their lives. So, their ...