To Transition or Not to Transition

When exploring one's gender identity, that is the question that many must face.

With anything, there's pros and cons to both arguments.

Currently, I identify more internally as Trixie than my masculine self. Honestly, I look in the mirror and I don't always like my masculine self. I haven't for some time.

As soon as I started putting my look of Trixie together, I fell in love with myself again. Every time I look at a picture of myself as Trixie, I smile. I wish I felt safe enough to be Trixie more often than I do.

However, just because I feel more like a woman doesn't mean it'll stay that way. I've gone back and forth many times this year with how I feel internally. If I were to transition, I feel as though that would almost "lock me in" to just being Trixie.

Next thing to worry about is the cost. My employer does provide excellent health insurance but I doubt that it would cover much, if anything, for transitioning (I have such little faith that I haven't even looked). I'm sure that anyone who has gone through their own transition can attest to the cost. Some states require you go through a psychiatrist first before you can medically start to transition. Then there's the medication as well as possible surgeries. Depending on how much you wish to transition, people have altered not just their "tops" and "bottoms" but their chins, their cheeks, their throat (for the Adam's apple) and even their eyes and ears; just to name a few. When money can become an issue, the costs for all of that can add up.

Granted, the more estrogen in my system means less body hair to worry about; not none but at least less than currently. Shaving would be a much easier experience.

Of course, a major issue would be facing the judgment of people in my everyday life. Being in a very conservative area (as well as a very conservative business industry) means that any delineation from the "straight, white, cisgender male" means possible discrimination, ostracization, or worse.

Not everyone I work with or live around is like that but more than enough are that way unfortunately. While I'm sure that, if they did find out about me as Trixie, I wouldn't lose my job over that (no reason for them to open themselves up for a lawsuit) but it does concern me over what else certain people might try. Fear is a hell of a motivator not to come out completely.

Finally, is my family and how they'd react. This especially means my mom and my daughter. My extended family is mostly made up of the very socially conservative types. So it would absolutely have an affect on my relationship with them.

My mom seems to at least tolerate me as Trixie but I still wonder if she fully accepts me. Granted, I mostly go out as Trixie instead of living as her around my mom. This means that she hasn't fully gotten used to Trixie. But, if I did live moreso as Trixie, how would my mom react? She's known me my entire life as my masculine self. Could she handle me not being that way at home?

My daughter is also a big question mark. Now, she accepts me as both pansexual and genderfluid. I haven't been Trixie in front of her but she's seen pictures of me as Trixie. She does seem okay with it.

However, if I transitioned, would she be able to handle it? She's getting closer and closer to her "monthly visitor" and being a teenager. That's a time when kids find everything their parents do annoying anyway. How bad could or would it be if I were to transition on top of that?

So, for now, I think I'll hold off on transitioning. For me, the cons just outweigh the pros by way too much. Maybe once my daughter grows up a bit. Maybe once I do some more soul searching of my own. Maybe if the Democrats can get back in control of this country.

If only.

Well, that wraps up another week for me. I'll be back with you on Monday.

Until then, take care, my loves.

-Trixie 😘 ❤️ 








 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Half the Person I Used to Be

People can have lots of different vices to help when they're stressed. Some drink, some smoke, some even do drugs (I don't judge anyone enjoying a little bit of Mother Earth's great green herb. I mean the harder stuff). My vice was always food. Whenever I was stressed or sad or even just bored, I'd immediately go straight for the kitchen or pantry to find something to eat. Any good feelings from doing so would quickly evaporate whenever I would next step onto the scale. Stress eating became a big habit at one point in my life due to working in a hospital at the time and my continuing issues in my marriage. Even after I left that job and the divorce was finalized, I still used food as a coping mechanism. By the time 2023 rolled around and I was actually ready to do something about it (or so I thought), the scales read 336.5 pounds. I was up to wearing size 5XL shirts that had to be specially ordered because no local stores carried them. I talked to my doctor and they sug...
Read more

Voting Day

While it's not one of the "big ones," such as the midterms or the Presidential elections, today is still voting day. You could say that elections like this are even more important since they cover local offices that can affect you everyday. I was born and raised as a Republican because of my parents and their background. However, I became more and more liberal in my thinking once I got to college and beyond. In fact, it became clear to me that my thought process growing up had usually been socially liberal anyway. I officially changed parties to Democrat in 2016. I refused to be associated with Drumpf and the way in which he'd bastardized my idea of the Grand Old Party. I don't have to tell you how upset I was over the results from last year. That orange faced goon won lots of support by actively campaigning against LGBTQ causes, especially the trans community. Not only did his base just lap it up but it felt like Democratic leadership wasn't doing nearly enou...
Read more

Thanks Dad

 My dad was born to a hardworking father and stay-at-home mother in a tough neighborhood. Not only my father but all of his siblings served as living PSAs on what NOT to do in life. I had a family member for each issue raised: drinking, smoking, drugs, infidelity, raising children, racism. Everything they did seemed wrong to me. In fact, I could've made this blog entirely about them and would never run out of material. However, for brevity, I'll focus on my father.  He married his highschool sweetheart and had my sister. It wasn't long before that marriage ended on divorce and my father moved away. While my sister will never admit it, I've always believed that she secretly resented him for leaving her. My father eventually met my mother but it would be ten years before they married. One reason was because her family didn't really like him. They were all very straight laced while he was an alcoholic biker (I guess my mom was into bad boys). Another reason was, at one...
Read more