My Crush: Where Things Stand

Yesterday, we covered my Sunday and how wonderful it truly was for me.

Today, we're backtracking to my Saturday. It was very noteworthy in its own right.

Griffin and I went to a nearby town to enjoy a movie as well as take in a local wrestling show. Our movie theater doesn't show certain movies (scary, overly sexy or indy), so we travel out of town if we really want to see it.

I was initially planning to dress up as Trixie but decided to go as my masculine self due to the wrestling show. The crowds for wrestling in this area wouldn't be as accepting of me as Trixie. Still, I identified all day as feminine and was more playful, flirtatious and fun as a result (I think anyway).

We started with lunch at Red Robin (Yum). This was my first time eating there and I decided on a bacon cheeseburger since their burgers always look so good in their commercials. It was the right call; the burger flavor was AMAZING!

Next, we did some shopping at a department store as well as Hot Topic and Bath & Body Works. The department store didn't have any clothing options I was looking for, so I passed on buying anything really. Hot Topic has TONS of items I love but most don't fit me yet. Gives me a goal to lose more weight and sculpt my body more to enjoy more clothes. I did buy some buttons picked out by Griffin ("Pansexual Pride" and "Cute, Gay, and Here to Stay").

Bath & Body Works was a big win for me. I wanted to look for fragrances that I could use if I ever had another bad case of gender dysphoria like last week. I walk in, immediately find Birthday Cake, and I'm in heaven. In fact, I used that scent on Sunday around my mom and she loved it so much that she said it was making her hungry lol.

Since they had a sale, I ended up with a half dozen fragrances to enjoy. Just like clothes, I'm now set on perfumes.

We then headed to the movies to see The Long Walk. I'd never read the book before because I wanted to go into this blind. After the movie, I did look up the book for comparisons and I think I enjoyed the book's ending more. I might have to rewatch the movie and read the book to know for sure.

After that, we headed for the show. One of the ticket tackers was this cute goth girl (too young for me as she looked either her late teens or early twenties). She was wearing a black, wavy dress with black and white striped leggings. I complimented her on her outfit. She showed it off more for me as well as her jack-o'-lantern styled nails. Life goals for me as Trixie.

The show itself was amazing. When it's at its best (and not a political showcase, as is the current WWE scene for me), pro wrestling is the best live theater experience in the world. Bar none.

As we headed for home, I felt the need to talk to Griffin. Earlier in the trip, I was flipping through the radio channels to check on different college football scores. At one point, a college sports channel was interviewing an old college wrestler who also dabbled in pro wrestling and MMA. This was the result.

Radio guy: "I went after him and he got in deep on me."

Me: "I'd love someone to get in deep on me!"

Griffin: "Oh God, why did you say that? Now that's all I can think about. Ugh!"

The radio interview continued and the innuendos got more and more raunchy. I was laughing hysterically while Griffin seemed to get more and more almost disgusted by it. The last thing we heard was the radio guy saying "nobody had ever gotten that deep on me before." Griffin responded with almost a dry heave.

This left me wondering: why had he been wanting to be physical with me a few weeks ago then if these funny innuendos bothered him so much?

So, we talked on the way home. I assured him that, no matter what he said, we would always be best friends. All I asked was that he be completely honest with me.

He instead took this as an interrogation at points, as most of his answers were "I don't know."

I kept working on getting answers from him and finally got what I needed anyway: he's not truly interested in me romantically or physically. He was willing to go through with it because he knew I had feelings for him and I was interested in being physical with him.

So, I told him that I didn't want to proceed further physically with him because I was worried that doing so would increase my feelings for him. Or how it could affect his feelings towards me either positively or negatively. Therefore, it's apparent that my crush and I aren't meant to be involved romantically.

And that's totally fine. He's still my best friend, I still trust him completely, and I always have fun with him.

It's just too bad he's not truly interested in me. I was ready to treat his third leg like my favorite flavored lollipop before trying to spin on it like a top.

Oh well. C'est la vie!