My Crush

 Let's call him Griffin.

He's someone with whom I've been friends for many years now. Funny enough, he actually started as friends with my ex-wife. However, unlike the rest who sided with her, Griffin stayed friends with me.

We get along really well because we have so many similar interests: pro wrestling, music, movies, TV shows, comics (although he's team Superman and I'm solidly a Batman guy).

I think the first time we hung out together, just the two of us, was when I won two tickets to an NXT pro wrestling house show. I was still married but my wife wanted to stay home to take care of our daughter. Since Griffin was a big pro wrestling fan, I took him instead. We had an amazing time hanging out together. The first of many such instances.

Since then, we've taken many trips together; mostly to pro wrestling shows. 

We've seen everything from local indies to GCW to New Japan to more NXT and even WrestleMania. Each trip has been a blast with us popping each other with our own stupid jokes; regardless if other people around us got it or not.

One time, we went to Monday Night Raw (back when they weren't doing so well and we got a 2-for-1 deal on floor seats. During a tag team match, people around us cheered for one team or another. Griffin and I started chanting, "Referee! Referee! Referee!" Laughs and confused looks from the other fans followed (which was our intended response).

We even made a trip to see my favorite band ever: Muse. While Griffin wasn't a big Muse fan at first (mostly just from not hearing much of their music), he studied up on them and we discussed our favorite songs from them before, during, and after the trip. Another wonderful trip and an awesome show. Seriously, if you've never been to a Muse concert,you're missing out (I'll talk about them some other day).

During one of our trips, when we were in our hotel room, I kept looking over at him as he got dressed for the day and started fantasizing being physical with him. Nothing came of it but the thoughts were there and continued.

This was before I'd come out as pansexual or genderfluid. It was one of many instances that I'd try to ignore or chalk up to being tired or something along those lines. The same excuses I'd told myself my entire life.

When the day came that I finally realized that I was pansexual, Griffin was the first person I told. I knew he would be accepting because we're both liberals as well (about the only two drops in a sea of red that is our home state).

It wasn't long before I told him about the fantasies I was having about him. While he was flattered, I also assumed that he wasn't fully into the same ideas. Coupling my insecurities as well as not wanting to lose my friend, I tried backing off.

Once I also realized I was genderfluid, Griffin was one of the first I told about myself as Trixie as well.

As I began dressing up as Trixie, this presented me with an opportunity. I could take pictures (no nudes) to Griffin to gauge his interest. He was polite but also talked in clinical terms ("that outfit suits you," "you did better with your makeup this time," etc).

Now, to be fair, he can be very naive when it comes to giving a desired response or how to talk to people in a romantic nature (he'll be the first to tell you that).

Also, I won't lie: I've wondered at times if he was homophobic. One time, we went together to a Jamie Foxx Q and A during his book tour. The opening comedian came out to warm up the crowd, saw the two of us and said "why are there two white boys here together? Oh, they're on a date. Nevermind!" I laughed hysterically but Griffin seemed bothered by it.

Another time, we went shopping to Barnes and Noble. I was in boy mode but wearing my LGBTQ pride shirt. Based on my membership and spending habits, I got a free tote that day. The cashier then asked Griffin, "would you like to open a membership account as well or are you just going to share his bag?" Again, the question seemed to irritate him (to be fair, I was being super flirty and fun loving that day, so that probably lead to her confusion about us being together).

I will say though that I don't believe he's truly homophobic; just super naive on how his actions might appear.

Whether or not he's interested in me as my masculine side or as Trixie is a different matter.

During my second trip out as Trixie, I did get him to say that I looked pretty (after yet another clinical answer on how my dress "looked Trixie like").

Once again, I've tried backing off from going to far with him...but I also have feelings for him. I've told him so.

As far as what attracts me to him, there's lots of reasons. I do find him handsome. He won't win any bodybuilder contests but he does have a "realistic" attractiveness to me (it helps that he's tall with a hairy dad bod. That seems to be my thing).

I also find his naivete and personality in general very charming and cute. It's just what makes him, him.

With me being more open as Trixie (and also identifying moreso internally as female), I've become more and more flirty with him. He still doesn't always respond like I'd imagine or desire but he also doesn't tell me to stop or that I've crossed any line. Mostly, he'll just tell me, "you do you, boo."

The other night, I had him over for my fantasy football league draft party. After everyone had left, we started watching old episodes of Degrassi (the 2000s version. Another thing we have in common is our love for the show).

About 3 episodes into a 6 episode mini marathon, I asked if he was okay if I tried something. He said yes. I then laid against him for the rest of the time he was there. I even placed my hand on his leg. While he didn't reciprocate by holding me or anything, he also didn't tell me no.

As our night ended, I asked him if I could try one more thing. Again, he said yes. So I placed my arms around his neck and hugged him. This time, he did reciprocate a bit. I told him "sometimes, you just want to be held." His response was "I understand."

While I'm not sure if we'll ever get to any romantic entanglement, I do hope to keep his friendship. He's meant so much to me over the years with everything. To lose such a person in my life would be an unimaginable hole to fill.

Only time will tell.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Half the Person I Used to Be

People can have lots of different vices to help when they're stressed. Some drink, some smoke, some even do drugs (I don't judge anyone enjoying a little bit of Mother Earth's great green herb. I mean the harder stuff). My vice was always food. Whenever I was stressed or sad or even just bored, I'd immediately go straight for the kitchen or pantry to find something to eat. Any good feelings from doing so would quickly evaporate whenever I would next step onto the scale. Stress eating became a big habit at one point in my life due to working in a hospital at the time and my continuing issues in my marriage. Even after I left that job and the divorce was finalized, I still used food as a coping mechanism. By the time 2023 rolled around and I was actually ready to do something about it (or so I thought), the scales read 336.5 pounds. I was up to wearing size 5XL shirts that had to be specially ordered because no local stores carried them. I talked to my doctor and they sug...
Read more

Voting Day

While it's not one of the "big ones," such as the midterms or the Presidential elections, today is still voting day. You could say that elections like this are even more important since they cover local offices that can affect you everyday. I was born and raised as a Republican because of my parents and their background. However, I became more and more liberal in my thinking once I got to college and beyond. In fact, it became clear to me that my thought process growing up had usually been socially liberal anyway. I officially changed parties to Democrat in 2016. I refused to be associated with Drumpf and the way in which he'd bastardized my idea of the Grand Old Party. I don't have to tell you how upset I was over the results from last year. That orange faced goon won lots of support by actively campaigning against LGBTQ causes, especially the trans community. Not only did his base just lap it up but it felt like Democratic leadership wasn't doing nearly enou...
Read more

Thanks Dad

 My dad was born to a hardworking father and stay-at-home mother in a tough neighborhood. Not only my father but all of his siblings served as living PSAs on what NOT to do in life. I had a family member for each issue raised: drinking, smoking, drugs, infidelity, raising children, racism. Everything they did seemed wrong to me. In fact, I could've made this blog entirely about them and would never run out of material. However, for brevity, I'll focus on my father.  He married his highschool sweetheart and had my sister. It wasn't long before that marriage ended on divorce and my father moved away. While my sister will never admit it, I've always believed that she secretly resented him for leaving her. My father eventually met my mother but it would be ten years before they married. One reason was because her family didn't really like him. They were all very straight laced while he was an alcoholic biker (I guess my mom was into bad boys). Another reason was, at one...
Read more