Love and Romance

Obviously, since I've lived as a cisgender man for most of my life, my romantic history mostly involves women.

While I had the usual high school romances and crushes that we all experience (and typically go nowhere. I'm seriously impressed by those who stick with their high school flames and even marry as well as grow old with them), my first serious girlfriend was my sophomore year of college. 

We worked together at a convenience store back home. I'd come home on extended breaks from school. We started hanging out and decided that we enjoyed each other's company. So, after a few days, we decided to become a couple. We waited about a month or two before we had sex. I'm sorry to say that I was a virgin until that point. While the first time was my longest time, it was mostly me figuring out what to do. She couldn't be kinder.

That first time was hardly the only (or last) time. I had to make up for lost time, after all 😜

I kid but we had so much fun together. We'd spend nearly every moment together that we could, especially during summer break. For my junior year, I got an apartment off campus. Then, I tried talking her into transferring to the local convenience store at the school so we could try living together.

She decided on a different route: she moved a thousand miles away to work with her aunt at her restaurant. She'd been having problems with her stepmom and decided that a change of scenery was necessary.

Despite the time difference, she assured me that we'd make it work.

Two weeks later, I got a text from her saying it was over.

Over the next two years, I tried going on dates. I did so successfully about 3 times but was stood up nearly three times as many instances.

Then, I met my future wife. It was $1 Long Island Iced Tea Night at a local bar (she always hated it when I told that part lol). I thought she was cute and funny, so I took a shot at asking for her number.

At the time, she was technically still dating a guy who she'd been with for seven years. But she was looking for a way out. I provided that opportunity.

We met in secret at a lake and began our romance. This lasted for a good month before she finally broke up with her previous boyfriend.

For those of you wondering how I could feel so betrayed by her cheating on me when I was helping her do the same thing to her boyfriend, morally, I don't have a leg to stand on.

All I can say is this: she treated me like a knight in shining armor with him as the evil, fire breathing dragon. So, from that belief, I was saving her from a bad situation. I'm sure she told similar stories to the men she contacted after we were married as well as her current husband.

Also, while her and I were married when she cheated on me, her and her then boyfriend weren't and all indications were that it would never happen. In my opinion, once you take those vows, that should be it with the philandering unless you break up before that.

I've spoken before on my marriage and my ex-wife, so I won't go super in depth for that. You can check my previous post, Til Death Do Us Part?, for that story.

I will say that I was approached by more interested parties while I was married than at any time before or since. It's like my wedding ring was a dinner bell for the single and desperate. Although I was tempted at times, I never wavered. That ring and those vows did mean something to me.

Since the divorce, I've tried my hand at dating. I've had that one night stand, the almost never ending relationship/situationship with MLD, and constant first dates that went nowhere. We'll see if my latest one leads to anything or simply another friendship.

I've also been lead on and stood up more times than I can count. It's really effected my ability to trust people.

Back in the day, I believed in love at first sight. I believed that two people are destined to meet, fall in love, and live happily ever after.

However, after going through my history of dating, I'm not sure I believe that anymore. Now, anytime I see someone in whom I'm interested, I'm picking apart ways in which it can fail: they're too pretty, too handsome, too young, too old, too conservative, too liberal, too religious, too far away, too good for me.

I do want to believe in love again but I'm not sure how to anymore. It feels like it's still my masculine side's job to go out hunting for a mate when I've been disappointed so many times that I'm sick of baiting the hook.

And for Trixie, the world feels like such a dangerous place that I'm still afraid to fully put myself out there for any interested parties.

But I do want to be loved and adored again.

Not long ago, a person I follow on social media (who happens to be trans) did a video voice reveal. All she said was:

"Hi everyone. This is how I sound. Thank you for the support. I love you."

After watching, I had to hang my head and nearly cry. Those last three words is what broke me. For so long now, I've wanted to hear someone express that emotion to me like my previous relationships had done.

Between my self doubts, overall fears and bad experiences, it's very hard for me to go back out into the dating pool with an open mind. I could use the idea of someone chasing after me instead of the other way around for once to maybe help pull me out of this mindset.

So, for any interested women or men: this is your green light.

Shoot your shot.

I'll be back with you on Monday. Enjoy your weekend, my loves.

-Trixie 😘 ❤️