Who Am I Today?

Whenever you look at yourself in the mirror, does the reflection looking back at you actually look like you?

I've mentioned before that, for a very long time, I haven't always liked or recognized the person I see in the mirror. All of us have flaws but my masculine self has never seemed "right" to me.

Even just yesterday at work, any time I'd use the restroom, I was almost always shocked by the person staring back at me. The hair (both the color and the thinning nature of it), the blemishes, the constant stubble that never seems to go away with shaving, the extra hairs showing up on my nostrils and ears that also won't seem to fully leave me. It all just seems alien to me.

Whenever I present in public as Trixie, it's the complete opposite. I can't stop looking at myself in the mirror. I love the way I look. My wigs (especially the black one with red streaks) look gorgeous, my clothes look amazing on me, my makeup helps accentuates my best facial features (except for my chin but that won't change unless I resort to surgery). I just LOVE being Trixie!

Sorry if that sounded egocentric.

Either way, while I'm not an expert, it definitely seems like I have some form of gender dysphoria and/or body dysmorphia.

Gender dysphoria is where there's a disconnect between your gender assigned at birth and the gender with which you identify most. Granted, I identify as genderfluid and I do go back and forth with presenting as more feminine or masculine. However, internally, I just "feel" more feminine all the time.

This isn't something that just started either once I came out as pansexual and genderfluid. I've felt this way about myself for a very long time. So long, in fact, that I don't actually remember when it first started. At least since I was 9 or 10. It's just one of those things where you see yourself in a mirror or a picture and think to yourself "that can't possibly be me."

As for body dysmorphia, it's a perceived flaw in one's body. Seeing as I want to be and feel more feminine as Trixie, I'd also like the body to match that. Unfortunately, I'm not even close to being happy on that front yet.

I've done well for myself over the past year. I've dropped at least 75 pounds and gone down ten belt notches. Still, it's hard to feel very feminine weighing over 250 pounds with plenty of stomach fat and loose skin to go around.

Essentially, my mind is telling me that I'm a thin but beautifully curvy, petite, blonde woman.

My reality puts me at something very different.

It's a work in progress and does give me a goal for the future. However, if I want to truly fulfill my self image, eating better, exercise and weight loss medications (fully prescribed by my family doctor) won't be enough. Things would get much more expensive.

I know that there's therapists out there to help guide me through my feelings (I do have a great mental health team in place for my own depression issues; more on that tomorrow). But I'm not sure, based on this area, that they'd be the right people to ask about help with being pansexual and genderfluid.

Oh well. C'est la vie.











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