Casual Sex?

It's an odd concept for me to embrace.

I was in one of those households where you learned that you grow up, get a job, marry someone, have a family, and live happily ever after. Pretty funny considering my mom was my dad's second wife but oh well.

While I love the physical act, I also believe in the emotional attachment as well that goes with sex.

I can hear some of you out there now: Trixie, it's just sex! Don't get so worked up about it!

I'm well aware that lots of people feel that way but the emotional aspect is just engrained in my way of thinking. If I have sex with someone, it's very difficult to not get attached.

There was one time when I did try casual sex. It was after my ex-wife and right before MLD.

I'd gone out to a bar to drown my sorrows one night. This beautiful blonde woman came up to me. She was about my age at the time (early to mid 30s), black spaghetti strapped top, tight jeans, and black heels.

We engaged in small talk as I bought her a drink. As we shared our own war stories, we decided to head back to my place. As we did, she informed me that she wasn't looking for a relationship and things wouldn't go any further than tonight. I said I understood and off we went. A night of passion followed.

The next morning, we woke up and I offered to take her out for breakfast. She declined and asked that I just take her back to her car. I did so.

When we arrived, I asked if she wanted to exchange numbers or anything but she said no to that as well. We said our goodbyes and went out separate ways.

Now, the physical act felt amazing at the time. But it also left me feeling empty. I asked myself, "is this what it's like to feel used?"

Also, those encounters with my acquaintance from when I first came out as pan, I don't count as sex. If there's no penetration then it doesn't count for me. Just a lot of fun with our hands and mouths.

But I digress.

Fast forward to last month. My best girl friend (let's call her Kitty) had a friend of hers (let's call him Big) visiting from out of state. He's gay, he knows about me being pan and genderfluid, and he's been interested in me.

A couple of weeks ago, we went out (Kitty, her husband, Big, and myself in boy mode). While we all got along well that night, I also knew it wouldn't work as a relationship. He has no plans to move here because "there's nothing for me here." And I can't move away because there's too much left for me here.

I told this to Kitty and she relayed the message to Big. His response: "we could still have fun 😉"

When Kitty told me this, I had two thoughts run through my head: flattered and anxious.

Don't get me wrong: it feels so nice to be desired if even just for sex. However, after my previous experience and how I view sex, it does make me nervous to think of experiencing such a thing.

Well, Big went back home, so it's not something I have to worry about for the time being. It's definitely something though that I'll have to consider for any time he comes to visit.

Part of me does want to step out of my comfort zone. Part of me also wants to see how far I could go with a man. Would I fully enjoy it? What do I do to prepare for such a scenario? Should I just shut up and go with the flow?

Only time will tell.

Also, there's one other reason why I'm nervous to give myself to Big...

I have a crush...