Build Me Up Buttercup

Yesterday, I talked about my date this past weekend with Carol. For anyone who read my posts last week, they know that I have a crush on a man called Griffin.

I'd been super flirty with him for a while. Plus, we'd tried sitting close and hugging the weekend before that to see how he could handle it. I didn't want to rush too fast in case it was too much for him.

You see, he's only dated women in his life. Also, his success level has not been the best and it has caused him to lack the confidence necessary to attempt any romantic interaction with women of late.

I'm sure that's part of why I have a crush on him because I feel for him in that regard.

Anyway, I told him right away about my date coming up with Carol. I figured it would surprise him a bit (which I'm sure it did) but he also seemed a bit disappointed and jealous when I told him.

He was worried about me getting my hopes up with Carol, which I do understand. But I also think part of it was I was going out with someone that wasn't him.

After the date, I told him how it went (if you read yesterday's post then you know that Carol and I had a fun time). He seemed pleased that things worked out well that night.

And then things took a dramatic turn...

He asked if I'd be interested in doing some things with him of an adult nature. I was surprised in the jump from hugging to sexual activities but was intrigued and interested.

Still, I did wonder to myself why he did suddenly want to take things that far when he hadn't seemed sure; even as recently as a day or two beforehand? Could he be so jealous of my date that he wanted to do a little one-upsmanship?

I asked him if he was absolutely sure that he wanted to go that far. I was ready but I had to be certain that he truly was ready as well.

He said "Maybe. We could try anyway."

This answer didn't fill me with confidence that this would work out.

I continued to press him on it and told him that I needed him to be certain if he really, truly wanted this.

He couldn't give me a definite answer.

So, I turned him down. I told him to do what I'd done: research. Look up everything about the subject to find what you like, dislike, find arousing, find disgusting, etc. Then, if he were truly interested and ready, I'd be willing to go that far with him.

He didn't respond the rest of the night after that.

Now, we did spend the whole day together the following day. It was week one of the NFL and not only are both of us fans but we're both also into fantasy football (he's still learning).

We had lots of fun watching the afternoon games and introducing him to NFL RedZone (including "The Witching Hour: where losses become wins and wins become losses!" Not a sponsor but I'm a big fan of Scott Hanson).

Not once did we bring up what we'd discussed last night. That is, until I dropped him off back home. He messaged me later and wanted to make sure I wasn't mad at him over it.

I assured him I wasn't, explained my position again, and told him to just explore himself on the subject matter before we jump into anything. Hopefully, he takes my advice.

Now, I had talked to my best girl friend Kitty about this. She insisted I just go for it if he was willing to try things that night. I'm sure some of you might feel the same way.

Here's my thought process on why I turned him down over not giving me a definitive answer.

Suppose I go over to his place and we explore each other's bodies with our hands, our mouths and maybe even more. Suppose we both say that we enjoyed it after we finish. However, what if I was correct and he wanted to "take the lead" in a nonexistent race with Carol by getting more serious with me? What if he wasn't truly ready (or truly interested) for a sexual encounter and has regrets? It could have a major negative influence on our friendship; maybe even end it.

Of course, he could go through opposite direction. He could enjoy the physical aspects so much that he falls head over heels for me (unlikely, in my opinion. My body and skills aren't anywhere near that impressive). What if he enjoys it so much that he becomes obsessive over it? Honestly, that's how it started for me with MLD to where she did have to tell me to slow things down about a week into our relationship. What if something similar happens with Griffin to where he pushes too hard and I have to send him on his way? Again, it would ruin our friendship.

At the end of the day, I do have feelings for him. However, if it meant doing anything that could be detrimental to our friendship then I won't go through with it unless I'm certain that we're on the same page. Unless he can assure me that we are (saying "possible," "maybe," "could be," and the like just doesn't cut it for me) then my answer will continue to be "no."

We're still talking though and planning to hang out. In fact, we're planning a trip with my daughter to a nearby mall that still has an awesome arcade that isn't all claw machines.

Should be fun.