Call Me Trixie

As we all look back on 2025, we're more than ready to move on to 2026. Seriously, for the world at large, this past year was an absolute dumpster fire. Like the worst since COVID for sure. The reason why is obvious and 2028 can't come soon enough. But I digress. For me specifically, the year wasn't too bad when it comes to personal growth and experiences. My weight loss journey continued as I've lost nearly 100 pounds since last year. I stepped out more and more as Trixie as the year progressed. I've even gotten back into the dating game (hopefully making progress on that tonight 🙂). Overall, there were lots of positives in 2025 as I look towards 2026. Lots of people go big with their resolutions for the new year: "I want to quit smoking or drinking." "I want to lose 50 pounds." "I want to get married." "I want to learn a new skill." The problem is that life doesn't always make these goals achievable. At least within the ...

As I mentioned, I'll be spending my New Year's Eve with Aerith; getting to meet her friends and spending more time getting to know her. I was considering taking Griffin along with me but I decided against it. This is for two main reasons. First, I wanted to be able to concentrate on making a good first impression on Aerith's friends and continuing to develop this possible relationship with her. I didn't feel I could focus on that as well as spending quality time with my best friend. It also wouldn't have been very fair to Griffin if I dragged him somewhere and he was left with nobody to talk to if I were busy with Aerith. The second has to do with Griffin himself. He refuses to admit it but I believe he's jealous of Aerith and the time and energy which I've been spending on her. After my first date with Aerith, naturally, I messaged Griffin to let him know how things went; also mentioning that I might be spending New Year's Eve with her. His only respons...

Hello, my loves. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and an amazing holiday week last week. Mine felt like I was away from work forever and yet not super long at all. Like I'd look up at the clock and the whole day had disappeared. For my time off, it was mostly spent relaxing at home or just enjoying myself. I did get everything wrapped and put under the tree by Christmas Eve. We rotate every year who gets my daughter Willow on Christmas morning and who gets her that afternoon. This year was our turn to have her in the afternoon, so we didn't open presents until almost 4 PM. My mom and I didn't get each other very much. It's a case of being an adult and just getting things when you need them throughout the year. Willow, meanwhile, seemed to have been especially good this year. She got TONS of presents between our house and her mom's house. I got more socks, tons of gift cards, and my mom also bought me a woman's undergarment. It's a black, silky slip. No...

When we're kids, teens, or even young adults, we always associate the holidays with presents. All year long, we'd check out every toy ad and commercial to determine our list for when Santa would arrive that December. Even as late as my last year of marriage, I still had a list like that. Nowadays, my thoughts on what I want for Christmas has completely changed. It's like, I had human companionship (despite all the problems in dealing with that companion), so I could use the holidays as an excuse to receive material goods. Now, as I've gotten older (not old but older than I was), I no longer care about materialistic items. I have no Christmas list. When I'm asked what I want, I always respond with one of two answers: 1) I don't care. 2) What I really want can't be found in any store. The first answer comes from being an adult now and just being able to buy whatever I want or need throughout the year. Such a concept defeats the purpose of waiting for Christmas...

Hello, my loves. How was your weekend? I hope it was wonderful. Mine was spent mostly relaxing. I meant to finish wrapping presents but didn't get that far. I'll probably finish that off either tonight or tomorrow. I did finish getting some decorations finished outside my house. They're decorative candy canes that lead up to our front door. I also watched a couple of holiday related movies. First was Joyeux Noel. It's a dramatic version of the Christmas Truce from World War I. It has POV characters from Germany, France and Scotland as they come together, put down their arms and enjoy some holiday spirit together in No Man's Land. Being a history buff, I've studied the actual case before. The film does get a lot right about this particular sector that participated in the truce. Obviously, some things are changed for dramatic effect. Others are only slightly altered.  For instance, a French commander mentions having a cat arrested as a spy for going back and forth...

We want to be heard. We want to be free. We want the world to hear our voice. And yet we hold onto so many things. We keep it bottled up. Hidden. Away from those who may hurt us. The fear can be too much; overwhelming. The second guessing turns into a third and then fourth and fifth guess. Why must they hate us? Why must they treat us so? Why are we unable to get along? They spout off their religious texts but seem to forget the word of their prophet. We know that they, too, have sinned and yet they choose to throw their rocks. Does their god exist? Who knows for sure. If their god created this existence, do we truly want him to be real? We are not an evil community. We are not a pure community. We simply are.  We want to be accepted. To feel loved. To not feel like hatred, bigotry and death are around every corner. As I get closer to another trip around the sun, I keep battling my inner thoughts. About who and what I am. About being totally open and honest with people. Being the b...

I can appreciate giant gestures. Grand schemes to show you going out of your way to either prove you care or respect me are absolutely appreciated. However, sometimes the smallest, seemingly insignificant, gestures can have the biggest impact. Being genderfluid, especially, means that the smallest moments of acceptance can mean everything to me. As mentioned before, on my trip last month to NYC and New Jersey, it felt too much like people were using masculine pronouns despite me being Trixie the entire weekend. If I'm wearing makeup, female clothing and a long, flowing wig, why would you call me "guy" or "fella" or something along those lines? Other than to be ignorant. That's been my biggest worry if I presented as Trixie in my hometown. Not just being misgendered but being physically accosted by some of the truly despicable people who live in this area. Well, as the saying goes: beggars can't be choosers. I talked about my First Date from this past Sat...

I came to a decision the other day. One that involves my involvement with online dating. So, I had been using a couple of dating apps since early September at least. The one I deleted about a month later. The other I've kept since then and have been paying for gold tier (I hate it when they limit you on what you can see, say, or do. So I just pay for every feature). Well, with a lack of success and being tired of paying for it, I've decided that I'm deleting the other dating app as well. My subscription for it runs out this Friday, which is when I'll be deleting it.  So, if you're interested in finding me or shooting your shot, you only have three more days online lol. Granted, things went super well with my date on Saturday but this isn't necessarily about her. We could end up in a relationship. It could all fall apart tomorrow. That's just the risk you take in putting yourself out there. Yes, I've gained lots of attention from people on there but it ha...

Since approximately mid-September, I've been chatting with someone online. I met her on the one dating app I was using at the time (I'm still on one but I'm probably signing off from it this week). This girl has been my best candidate for a date since we first started talking. She's relatively close compared to the others (less than an hour), we have similar interests, she can actually hold a conversation, she didn't go straight for sex talk, and she didn't ghost me within days. Already head and shoulders above all the rest. When I decided to delete the one app, she was the only one on there with whom I was still conversing. I gave her my number so we could continue chatting off app. Not expecting her to follow me off app (I've been very unimpressed by lots of people on there), I was delighted when she began texting me. This meant that we could exchange just more than words. This meant funny memes, gifs, pictures and videos (not dirty ones either, you heathe...

Hello, my loves. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. Mine was eventful but not as much as I thought it would be initially. Our area got tons of snow the past few days (in fact, it's currently snowing out my window at work as I type this). Friday went as planned with my mom. We celebrated her birthday with lunch at an area restaurant. I decided on a top sirloin steak well done (I don't like my steak either still being pink or mooing at me) while she had steak tips mixed in gravy and peppers in a skillet. Delicious! After running some errands, including shipping out presents to our family out of state, I made sure to pick her up a cake when I went grocery shopping. I bought a 1/8 sheet chocolate cake. Usually, we could handle a 1/4 sheet cake but between my weight loss and her doctors wanting her to be healthier as well, 1/8 sheet is all the sheet we can handle. Thank you. Anyway, we enjoyed some leftovers for dinner and then I served her some of her cake. It was also delicio...

Thanks to how my benefits are at work, I get tons of time off that I can use up during the year. Moreso than I know what to do with most of the time. As such, I made sure to take off today especially for a very important reason: it's my mom's 75th birthday!!! So, today, we're going out for lunch to a local restaurant (my mom chose the place for her special day), getting her a cake and making sure she enjoys her day. It was important for me to treat her out for the day; not only because it's a birthday with a big number but because she's always been there for me. Throughout my entire life, she's always been my biggest supporter. Whenever my dad would either treat me terribly or just ignore me, whenever a relationship ended or life in general just felt like too much, I could always go to my mom for the support I needed. When I came to realize that I was pansexual and genderfluid, I knew that she had to be one of the first people I told. Her acceptance was very imp...

As mentioned before in My Laura Dean, I haven't enjoyed the holiday season for the past several years. For some reason, this year has been different. A local radio station always plays nothing but Christmas songs from Thanksgiving through Christmas Day every year. I end up having to listen to it at work as it's either this station or the country station (and I refuse to listen to that crap all day long). Usually, I get sick of it within the first few days. Well, I've been enjoying it so far this year. Not sure if my mind has fully moved on from MLD or if it's just decided that if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Either way, I've been good so far with all the holiday music. Since the station is more family oriented or adult contemporary, they don't play the harder songs or the more comedic. Those happen to be some of my favorites. So, guess who's been loading up their iTunes with holiday songs this morning! A hard rock favorite of mine is definitely ...

As I've talked about many times before, I was born and raised in a small community. This means that certain ideologies are not only misunderstood but even hated by the vast majority in this area. This includes those of the LGBTQ ideology. How do we learn about these things? From our parents, of course. My dad was a very hateful person. Any phobia you can imagine, he had it. This was especially the case for any one not white or straight. He would even point out every celebrity who was LGBTQ or those he thought belonged to the community just to openly mock and hate them. The rhetoric got worse whenever I'd watch the Wimbledon tennis tournament and the talking heads would be Billie Jean King and Martina Navratilova. I'd be watching and thinking about how smart and nice they both seemed. Then, my dad would walk in and call them every homophobic slur under the sun. He'd try to explain to me why they were wrong or evil for what they did. I could never wrap my head around his ...

Yesterday was an important day for my community as it was Pansexual Pride Day. It's funny to me when ignorant cisgender types ask "why do all these queer groups need their own holiday? Why don't I get my own holiday?" You did: Drumpf insisted on a military parade through DC, it destroyed their roads and was a complete embarrassment. Congratulations! Anyway, it's important that each subgroup within the LGBTQ umbrella is recognized with their own day. That way, more people can become better informed about them. I'll be the first to tell anyone that I'm not expert on every subgroup. In fact, I just learned yesterday the definition of an omnisexual individual and the difference between them and people who identify as pansexual. Essentially, for others who were unaware, omnisexual means that they love all genders but do place importance on certain genders over others. Pansexual means that they love all genders as well but are essentially gender blind; hearts ov...

Hello, my loves. I hope you had a lovely weekend. Mine wasn't too glamorous or exciting. A change of pace from how it usually goes for me. I was planning to do some hair removal again this past weekend but that got pushed to the side for now. I do plan to revisit that before this upcoming weekend as I'm expecting a certain someone to ask me out at some point (hopefully soon) and I want to be ready. I don't want to jinx myself though so I'll say no more about them or the situation until it actually happens lol. Anyway, this past weekend, I picked up my daughter from her mother on Saturday. We did some holiday shopping plus picked up some cold medicine for my mom (she's been under the weather for about a week now). In fact, I've finished up my holiday shopping. I didn't spend nearly as much as last year but considering our new big purchase in 2024 was a new computer, table, and chair, that was already a given. I also had to do some adult stuff around the house...

When it comes to music, I can literally listen to just about anything. It's an easy thing to say but it happens to be true for me. Except for most country songs anyway. Some of that is because of not enjoying that "southern twang" while the other reason is the political differences I have with the messages being presented in certain songs (Jason Aldean can go screw himself, btw). There are days where I feel like hard rock. Others I feel like pop or hip hop. Others still, it's a punk and emo sort of day. Some days, I'm up for old school songs from the 60s or 70s. Some days, I'm looking for the best from the current age. There are even some days when I enjoy classical music. The most interesting days are when I want different genres back to back. Like I've had going on all this week. Anyone who grew up in the 90s as a wrestling fan knows the theme song of the nWo. Well, did you know that it's a real song by an actual artist? It's true. I found it on ...

As mentioned earlier this week, the current video game I'm playing is Ghost of Yotei. For those unfamiliar, it takes place in Japan in 1603 and is a revenge tale involving the female protagonist Atsu as she attempts to track down and kill the Yotei Six: a group that killed her family and left her for dead. Since I loved the previous title, Ghost of Tsushima (as well as Japanese culture in general), I've been really enjoying this game so far. In fact, I fell in love with one character who wasn't even the main protagonist (although I think Atsu is an awesome ass kicker). Now, if you're planning to play this game or haven't gotten this far yet, I will be discussing some spoilers. You've been warned lol. At this point in the story, I've defeated both the Snake and the Oni (you're required to kill the Snake at the beginning but can then jump around any way you wish). I decided to progress to the north and take on the Kitsune (Fox) before progressing to take o...

As I noted not long ago, my Love Language is Physical Touch (followed by Words of Affirmation). Well, that was made super obvious recently. Not long ago, I was driving around with Griffin. We were listening to Papa Roach's "Last Resort." It got to the line of "Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine." I respond with "Do you think I'm fine, Griffin? I think I'm SO fine." He responded by licking his index finger and putting it to my shoulder. Playfully, I jumped and joked "Oooh! You found my g-spot!" He responded by gently sliding his finger up and down my arm. At first, I was playfully moaning as he did so. But the more he did, the more my moans became real. I was so excited by how he was touching me that I had to beg him to stop. I didn't want him to but I was worried about us wrecking while I experienced this feeling of ecstasy.  All from a simple touch. I was so excited and aroused that if we would've had a private place in...

I often wonder how people see me whenever I go out as Trixie. Am I passable as a woman or does everyone still see me as masculine? I know that I'm AMAB and since I didn't begin identifying as genderfluid until later in life, some things about myself will always be masculine: my chin, my Adam's apple, my bone structure, my muscle tone, my natural voice.  Some things can be altered with surgery but not everything can be and not only are surgeries expensive but can have complications. No guarantee of success means I'm saving my money on such things. Now, I have had some success when going out with people at least identifying me with feminine pronouns. Sadly, that wasn't always the case during my trip a couple of weeks ago. Despite being Trixie the entire weekend (except behind closed doors), this is what I heard most of the time: "Excuse me, fella." "Coming through, guys." "Thanks for coming out, pal." Even the person I was with kept going...

Hello, my loves. I hope you had a great weekend and a lovely Thanksgiving (to those who celebrate it). Really though, it didn't feel like a usual Thanksgiving this year. Granted, there was all the usual food, the parade on TV, wall to wall football...but the togetherness wasn't really there. I'd mentioned last week how my family used to have big Thanksgiving parties every year but between people passing on, growing older or just moving away, that hasn't happened for several years now (possibly since COVID, I think). On Thanksgiving day, we had my daughter in the morning before we dropped her off to my ex at their church. That lead to this exchange: Ex: Are you guys here yet? Me: Yeah we just pulled into the parking lot (in fact, the only parking lot the church has). Ex: The parking lot...on which side of the building? Me (dumbfounded): The back area where the main parking lot is at. Off the street parking. Ex: You mean down the back alley? Me (frustrated now): Yes, wher...