Call Me Trixie

 As I've become more comfortable identifying as LGBTQ, I've also come to realize that I also have a lot to learn. Not only do I need to do better at identifying other groups within our community but I also need to become more well versed at our culture. There have been many LGBTQ artists, musicians, and writers over the years and I feel it's important to study their work. Being a lover of books (I try to read as much as I can), I was immediately drawn to that realm. I looked up online and also consulted my best guy friend (he's a librarian and also works at a bookstore) on which books I should consider. As previously mentioned, I did recently pick up a copy of Heartstoppers volume 1. I'll be reading that after I finish the manga Uzumaki (the Fall season has me getting into the mood for horror). One book that I previously read was Laura Dean Keeps Breaking Up with Me; a graphic novel written by Mariko Tamaki and beautifully illustrated by Rosemary Valero-O'Connel...

You know the scenario: a 90 minute movie featuring interesting and quirky characters, romantic overtures, misadventures, the first kiss, the big fight, and the ending with a fun pop song while the new lovers share one final kiss before the cameras fade to black. While the script and casting are important, to be truly memorable, you need a great song for that last scene. A boy professing his undying love and passion for the girl he loves just doesn't hit the same if they have "Refuse/Resist" by Sepultura playing in the background. There's been many great ones over the years: "I've Had the Time of My Life" in Dirty Dancing, "Don't You Forget About Me" in The Breakfast Club, and "Crazy for You" in Vision Quest, just to name a few. Not all were Rom Coms but all had that certain DNA. Boy meets girl, boy loves girl, various chaos and hijinx ensues, boy gets girl. Of these movies, whether Rom Com, Comedy with Romantic moments, Dramedy, T...

 While I have been enjoying getting to know myself more as Trixie, I'm still trying to also have fun as my masculine side. So, I invited three friends/acquaintances out for a baseball game this past Saturday. I'd won tickets to a nearby minor league team's game of my choosing and Saturday was the day upon which we all agreed. I grew up a baseball fan and my parents would often get tickets through their employer. This meant we went to at least one major league game every year when I was younger. My dad actually played some semi pro baseball when he was younger. While I tried my best whenever I played, baseball was never my sport; wrestling was the one that always drew me. While my dad appreciated me being interested in sports, I think it also upset him that I wasn't better at baseball (not that he ever helped me with that). Anyway, I still enjoy going out to see games, especially minor league games. They haven't made it to the majors yet, so they seem to try harder t...

 So, I mentioned yesterday that I took all weekend spending time with friends to gain a sense of normalcy after my friend passed away. One of those trips was on Sunday: stepping out as Trixie and back to the college town with my best female friend. As before, we started at my house with my friend doing my makeup. Next time, I'm just having her watch me while I apply it. I appreciate her helping me look beautiful before each trip but I also want to get to the point where I can do so myself. And practice definitely makes perfect for me. I had an outfit in mind but some of the items didn't arrive in time (thanks Amazon: still not a sponsor). I wound up wearing a pair of jeans I bought last time from Maurice's, an undershirt I'd also ordered from Maurice's (it's black, lacy and VERY comfortable), my LGBTQ pride shirt, my high top sneakers, and I went modest with my wig color as I chose my long, flowing brunette wig. My mom likes it better than the black and red sinc...

 When you're a kid, you have no real concept of death or how people deal with it. You imagine that we all live an incredibly long life and eventually go peacefully in our sleep or something along those lines. With the technological advances available today, you fully expect people to live even longer than they did even thirty years ago. Sadly, reality isn't that kind. Death is undefeated, always has been, and always will be for eternity. Age plays no part in it. Sadly, I came to realize this again when a friend of mine suddenly passed away at the end of last week. I knew he'd been battling against leukemia but he didn't seem like things were dire. The last time I spoke to him was two weeks ago. We're in the same fantasy football league (I'm the commissioner) and he'd just paid me his league dues for the season. Since our draft is Labor Day weekend and he always spends the weekend out of town with his family, I knew he probably wouldn't be there. So, I st...

 Apparently not. I first met my wife right after graduating college during a local bar's $1 Long Island Night (it always irritated her whenever I told people that). She seemed cute, sweet and a bit naive. She also seemed to find me entertaining and funny (although the $1 Long Island Iced Teas could've helped her with that). At the time, she was still in a relationship with another man but we were instantly attracted to each other. Normally, I wouldn't pursue someone who was attached. However, it had been portrayed to me (both by her and a few mutual friends) that their relationship was practically over. So, we began our love affair. Not long after we did, their relationship did end. For months though, her ex would continually call her, text her, leave notes on her vehicle and even follow her home from work. While looking at it from the outside indicates that he was stalking her, it's also very possible that she was still leading him on. I have no proof of this but it...

 There's a famous saying that goes something like "I respect my father but I love my mother." For me, it was always "I despise/tolerate my father and adore my mother." For everything wrong about my dad, my mom has always been the exact opposite. Other than their similar upbringings. My mom was also born into a poor but hardworking family. They lived during her early years on a farm and every child in the family, no matter how old, had jobs around the property. Her jobs included taking care of the animals. Based on how she acts around people today, I can tell she treated them all very kindly. The family's lack of money meant that my mom had to make sacrifices when it came to her personal enjoyment. She didn't get to go to the prom or many school functions at all because she couldn't afford a dress, for instance. Still, she was very beautiful and had her share of interested gentlemen. I have a feeling though that she was naturally shy around them as it...

 My dad was born to a hardworking father and stay-at-home mother in a tough neighborhood. Not only my father but all of his siblings served as living PSAs on what NOT to do in life. I had a family member for each issue raised: drinking, smoking, drugs, infidelity, raising children, racism. Everything they did seemed wrong to me. In fact, I could've made this blog entirely about them and would never run out of material. However, for brevity, I'll focus on my father.  He married his highschool sweetheart and had my sister. It wasn't long before that marriage ended on divorce and my father moved away. While my sister will never admit it, I've always believed that she secretly resented him for leaving her. My father eventually met my mother but it would be ten years before they married. One reason was because her family didn't really like him. They were all very straight laced while he was an alcoholic biker (I guess my mom was into bad boys). Another reason was, at one...

 When reading my post yesterday about my first trip out during the day as Trixie, I'm sure some of you probably wondered: why not just go out as Trixie in my hometown? The reason being that I could almost guarantee that I would experience bigotry, discrimination and raw hatred directed towards me if I presented as Trixie in my hometown. My boss, a few of my friends and myself are but a few dots in an ocean of red when it comes to this town's political spectrum. For years, it wouldn't have been a major problem but the past 10 years especially has changed that. Don't get me wrong: there's nothing wrong with being a Republican. Many of my family members and closest friends are registered Republicans (including my mom).  The problem is when extremism oozes its way into politics and brings out the worst in people. Even just being a Democrat has seen me face ignorance and hatred from those around me, including certain family members (who I choose to no longer engage with ...

 Good day, loves. Hope you had a lovely weekend. Today, I'll be talking about my first trip out into the public, in broad daylight, as my feminine self: Trixie. The big day was the Saturday before last and came after two years of discovering who I am and the styles/outfits that best suited me. As you'll recall, I was having trouble adopting a makeup regimen. This was not only due to inexperience but also lack of confidence (this coming despite my latest effort from the month before producing excellent results). Therefore, my one friend came over to do my makeup for me. I wanted to make sure that my first daytime excursion as Trixie went as well as humanly possible. Obviously, due to my friend having way more experience than me, my makeup looked absolutely wonderful! The pictures we took of me couldn't truly due the results justice. As for my outfit, I went with my favorite black wig with bright red streaks, a Tokyo Ghouls t-shirt (I've never watched the show but I loved...

It has been approximately a year since I'd began identifying as pansexual. Without my acquaintance around anymore to explore physical aspects of my newfound identity, I began using the two means available to me: the internet and my own fantasies. As I daydreamed more and more, something began sticking out to me. While I continued to imagine myself as a man whenever I fantasized about women, whenever I'd fantasize about men, the majority of the time, I would identify as a woman. So, I began investigating more on what that meant. Soon enough, it all made sense: I was also genderfluid. For those unfamiliar, this means that a person may go back and forth between identifying between masculine and feminine gender identities. It can also refer to a person ignoring the concept of gender identities altogether. This ties it into the nonbinary community. For me, I will go back and forth on how I identify depending on how I'm presenting myself at that moment (as will become more and mo...

 My coming out story has two parts: identifying as pansexual and then later on as genderfluid. Approximately two years ago, I was in a very different mindset. Divorced, no luck with women, seemingly rudderless in my mindset. And what did these continued thoughts and fantasies about men mean? One night, while I slept, it was almost like my brain was analyzing everything. Then, when I woke up, I sat straight up in bed as I had the epiphany: I like men too! That day was amazing! I spent the whole day discovering just what this meant. How do I identify this about myself? Who do I tell? How far do I go with it? So many questions but it filled me with a joy and a relief that I hadn't had in some time. After digging through many websites, I came to the conclusion that I was pansexual. The reason I differentiated between being pan as opposed to bi was this definition that I found: bisexual usually refers to just men and women while pansexual can refer to men, women, cis, trans, binary, non...

 As mentioned before, while I've been attracted to girls, I've also always had feelings not only towards men but to feel attractive and desired as a woman. You try on certain items about which you're curious. You try on makeup when nobody's around. You speak in a more feminine voice. You develop fantasies about certain people. The first that I can remember was for my Sunday school teacher. While he was older and not attractive in a classical sense, he made a habit of sitting in his folding chair with the back facing front and his legs uncrossed. I'd be sitting there thinking about him seducing me and embracing me in a loving way while he was talking to us about our sins and being careful not to go to hell. Needless to say, these fantasies left me conflicted. Another happened when I worked a temporary labor job on break from college. On my first day, I worked next to a person who was openly gay. He took a liking to me almost immediately. He would perform his tasks wh...

 Like with any story, the best place is to start at the beginning. Also, like John Mellencamp once sang, "I was born in a small town." My parents weren't wealthy but, when it came to materialistic matters, I never wanted for anything. Even when I was younger, I was different. It was hard at times to connect with the other kids. I was more sensitive, I was more emotional and I got picked on a lot. Since it was the 90s, homophobic slurs were thrown around like water (as were offensive words used commonly for mentally challenged persons). I did well in school academically. At least at first (solid C student in high school). I also became super athletic since my dad had played semi pro baseball during his younger days. He got me interested in just about every sport you could imagine. From football to baseball to boxing to even pro wrestling. Sports became our main way to communicate...as we didn't connect on much else. While I'd started getting interested in girls aro...

 Hello You can call me Trixie. Trixie Marie, to be more precise. Supposedly (according to the internet), Trixie is Latin for "she who brings happiness." That's part of the reason why I chose it. You see, for most of my 38 years on this planet, I've lived as a man. However, in recent years, I've come to realize that I identify moreso as genderfluid. While I still maintain a masculine side for most of my daily interactions, my feminine side is named Trixie. Due to many factors, which I plan to cover in future blogs, it was only this past weekend in which I felt confident enough to step out in public, in broad daylight, as Trixie. For me, that officially begins my journey of self discovery and exploration. People like to say that "life is a journey" and I know that who I am will lead to a bumpy ride. I hope you will ride shotgun with me. Stay tuned.