Land of Confusion

 As mentioned before, while I've been attracted to girls, I've also always had feelings not only towards men but to feel attractive and desired as a woman.

You try on certain items about which you're curious. You try on makeup when nobody's around. You speak in a more feminine voice. You develop fantasies about certain people.

The first that I can remember was for my Sunday school teacher. While he was older and not attractive in a classical sense, he made a habit of sitting in his folding chair with the back facing front and his legs uncrossed. I'd be sitting there thinking about him seducing me and embracing me in a loving way while he was talking to us about our sins and being careful not to go to hell. Needless to say, these fantasies left me conflicted.

Another happened when I worked a temporary labor job on break from college. On my first day, I worked next to a person who was openly gay. He took a liking to me almost immediately. He would perform his tasks while smirking at me or doing a little shimmy while he did; almost as if he was trying to impress me. I wasn't surprised or upset by this display. Instead, I just smiled at him. He kept up with his performances; I kept smiling. I could even feel my face turning red at times from blushing. He stopped the next day after another coworker told him that I wasn't gay. Turns out they were only half right.

During college, I'd notice some men in which I'd be attracted. I'd fantasize about us going back to my dorm room and talking about our feelings and how the world judges people for them over drinks. I'd then imagine him making the first move on me. Kissing turning to touching and ending with...well, you know.

But, because of how the world treats members of the LGBTQ community, especially back then, I never pursued anything. 

I tried moving on as best as I could to any woman to whom I was attracted that would give me the time of day. Finally, I did find one who would marry me and make me a father. You know: house in the suburbs, nuclear family, the supposed American dream. Didn't end that way.

While the divorce was, honestly, the best thing for everyone involved, it also left me with an empty hole in my heart. So, I dusted myself off and got back on the dating horse. Still, not being true to my entire self, I concentrated on women. As anyone can attest to, today's dating pool is severely lacking. 

Part of the problem is me. I'm not denying that. Being over 30, divorced and a dad already knocks me out of the ring for many contenders. The ones who are still interested are usually in the same boat or are going through the worst kind of traumas that make them unable to trust anyone new in their lives. I don't blame them for this whatsoever as they're dealing with things for which they didn't sign up and trying to deal with them in their own way. 

Still, this means that whatever dating pool is available to me usually dries up pretty quickly. Online dating is a joke. Dating coworkers is a mistake no matter the circumstances. Going out to a bar to hit on women makes me feel creepy at this point in my life. Some people have told me to meet a nice church going lady. The problem: my ex-wife was allegedly such a person but forgot that one commandment about not committing adultery.

So no luck with any women around me. Where does that leave me? What about these feelings I still have for men? Do I pursue them? Do I trust anyone in my area with this knowledge? All very confusing.

I'll continue this tomorrow with my realization of who I truly am and how I started coming out...

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