Coming Out: The Fluidity of Gender

It has been approximately a year since I'd began identifying as pansexual. Without my acquaintance around anymore to explore physical aspects of my newfound identity, I began using the two means available to me: the internet and my own fantasies.

As I daydreamed more and more, something began sticking out to me. While I continued to imagine myself as a man whenever I fantasized about women, whenever I'd fantasize about men, the majority of the time, I would identify as a woman.

So, I began investigating more on what that meant. Soon enough, it all made sense: I was also genderfluid.

For those unfamiliar, this means that a person may go back and forth between identifying between masculine and feminine gender identities. It can also refer to a person ignoring the concept of gender identities altogether. This ties it into the nonbinary community. For me, I will go back and forth on how I identify depending on how I'm presenting myself at that moment (as will become more and more apparent).

This lead to similar questions from when I came out as pansexual. Who do I tell? How far do I go? Pronouns? What would I like to be called?

Obviously, by the name of this blog, I decided that my feminine identity should be known as Trixie. Literally, I looked up a website with almost every name you could imagine and went through until I found the one that I liked the best. As I've mentioned before, Trixie (supposedly) is Latin for "she who brings joy to others." Regardless of whether I'm masculine or feminine, that was always a key part of myself that I wanted to accomplish in life. It fit me and how I saw my feminine self perfectly.

Now, who do I tell?

It was difficult enough to trust in people in explaining myself as pansexual. Telling them I was genderfluid and where I wanted to go with it would be even tougher.

I kept this list smaller (percentage wise, about 75 percent of the people who know that I'm also pansexual): my mom was first, then my best friend, my two closest coworkers, and a few key friends and cousins. Everyone has been super supportive, especially my mom.

I was worried enough about how she felt about me being pan but having a year to let it sink in must've paid off. When I told her I was genderfluid (and explained what that would entail), she immediately went to her room to find her old wigs and unopened bras from when she was going through her cancer treatments. It filled my heart with so much joy when she did so.

Since it was only recently that I told my ex wife (and mother of my daughter) that I was pan, I decided to hold off for now in telling her about being Trixie. One surprise at a time.

As you can tell from my interaction with my mom about the wigs and undergarments, I had decided to fully present myself as a woman whenever I identified as Trixie. My one friend helped by lending me her old makeup so I could practice. To say this initial attempt was a disaster would be a major understatement. I caked on so much makeup that I looked like Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire when he dunks his face in the cake and I had so much lipstick on that I looked like the joker ("you wanna know how I got these scars, darling?")

I decided that makeup attempts could go on the back burner and worked more on my wardrobe. What was my style? What made me feel most comfortable as Trixie?

While I was super fun loving and energetic as her, my style came in three similar forms: grunge, goth, and emo.

I went to work on purchasing items to put together my first wardrobe (thank you Amazon Prime: not a sponsor of mine).

Several wigs, including a long brunette, a pixie cut brunette, a pixie cut pink, and a long black with deep red streaks (my favorite). A black pair of leggings (supposed to lift my butt for a better look but it's hard to lift anything when you have a Hank Hill styled ass). A red and black checkerboard style skirt. Blue and white high top sneakers. Ankle high black socks. Dark style underwear (Hanes men's but more briefs than boxers). A black pocket bra with a set of false breasts (I went modest with a size D cup). A pansexual pride necklace. A set of thin neck chokers (no goth girl is complete without them). An LGBTQ pride shirt. 

These made the foundations of Trixie.

While I did admire myself in the bathroom mirror, something was still missing. I wasn't quite complete.

The makeup was absolutely necessary.

I would have my one friend go shopping with me (as my masculine self as I wasn't ready to step out into public yet as Trixie) to build my own makeup kit. Getting a sense of my style, we found all the necessary items.

I then began practicing from time to time. Even on just my second and third attempts, it was a vast improvement. I began wearing my outfit as well whenever I had friends in the know over. I'd even drive them home at night as Trixie. If they got used to me more looking like her then so would I being her.

I even discovered that I had developed a crush on my one male friend. We discussed it the one night. He expressed that he was flattered but had seen me for so long as my masculine self that he still just saw me as his friend. Which I completely understood. We remain friends and hang out from time to time. I'll be honest though: I was absolutely hoping that he felt the same way because I desperately wanted him to kiss me that night.

Oh well. C'est la vie.

I've decided that I'll continue this blog every weekday and take the weekends off. This may change at some point down the road as both the blog and myself continue to evolve. I hope you've enjoyed so far and I'll be back on Monday.

Enjoy your weekend!

-Trixie 😘❤️