Coming Out: Pan Life

 My coming out story has two parts: identifying as pansexual and then later on as genderfluid.

Approximately two years ago, I was in a very different mindset. Divorced, no luck with women, seemingly rudderless in my mindset. And what did these continued thoughts and fantasies about men mean?

One night, while I slept, it was almost like my brain was analyzing everything. Then, when I woke up, I sat straight up in bed as I had the epiphany: I like men too!

That day was amazing! I spent the whole day discovering just what this meant. How do I identify this about myself? Who do I tell? How far do I go with it? So many questions but it filled me with a joy and a relief that I hadn't had in some time.

After digging through many websites, I came to the conclusion that I was pansexual. The reason I differentiated between being pan as opposed to bi was this definition that I found: bisexual usually refers to just men and women while pansexual can refer to men, women, cis, trans, binary, nonbinary. Pretty much every group under the sun. I came to find out that I'm attracted to many groups whom I feel should be given greater consideration than just enveloped under the wide umbrella of men and women.

So, who do I tell?

I started with my best friend. Considering how I'd joke around with him on a daily basis, to say he was shocked would be an understatement. However, he couldn't have been more accepting of me.

Next had to be my mom. I could tell it was a lot for her to take in (some tears did come for her) but she still accepted me completely. It meant so much to hear her say that, even telling me that not only did I have her blessing to bring men over if I decided to date them but that if I ever meant someone truly special, that she'd move out and I could have the house. While I was completely flattered by her feelings, I also told her that I'd never throw her out of her own home.

After that, it became a matter of testing people to see if I could trust them with this knowledge. A few coworkers passed the test for me with flying colors. Several of my family members (my half sister and her family, a couple of cousins) would also do so. Some more of my friends I also felt were trustworthy. 

I even told my daughter fairly quickly; explaining how some men like women, some men like men, some women like women, and some women and men like everyone (simplistic terms, I feel, are easiest when explaining complicated matters to a child). Despite being under 10 years old at the time, she was far more understanding and accepting than most adults three times her age. She simply said, "Okay, Daddy," smiled and hugged me.

I also decided to tell my ex wife. I did so in case I did meet someone that it wouldn't come as a surprise to her. While I don't believe it would've caused issues when it came to child custody, it was best to not take chances. She also totally accepted me and said that I could share anything with her.

So far, in fact, everyone I've told has either been fully accepting or at least greatly tolerant of my new identity. But I'm also not going out and advertising it for everyone; the world at large or my entire family for that matter. Too many questions, too many chances of being hated and despised, too many chances of something going incredibly, tragically wrong.

The last question then was how far do I take this? How far do I explore being pansexual?

For this, I reached out to an old acquaintance of mine (and I should note that he gave me his full blessing to tell this story, as long as I don't use his name, which I never have and never will). Since he was gay, I knew I could trust him with this. We then met for drinks and discussed how far I'd like to go and explore my developing pansexuality. He offered to help me back at his place and I accepted. We explored each other's bodies with our hands and mouths. We never went past that because, in simplest of terms, we were two bottoms looking for our tops. It was still a very eye opening experience for me on what I did enjoy and how far I wanted to go.

After meeting again under similar circumstances, he did find his top. He met a lovely individual, moved out of state and got married. I wished them both nothing but the best and simply thanked him for being there for me.

Tomorrow, I'll talk more about my discovery of being genderfluid and the steps I've taken to explore that identity.