Well, how did I get here?

 Like with any story, the best place is to start at the beginning.

Also, like John Mellencamp once sang, "I was born in a small town."

My parents weren't wealthy but, when it came to materialistic matters, I never wanted for anything.

Even when I was younger, I was different. It was hard at times to connect with the other kids. I was more sensitive, I was more emotional and I got picked on a lot. Since it was the 90s, homophobic slurs were thrown around like water (as were offensive words used commonly for mentally challenged persons).

I did well in school academically. At least at first (solid C student in high school). I also became super athletic since my dad had played semi pro baseball during his younger days. He got me interested in just about every sport you could imagine. From football to baseball to boxing to even pro wrestling. Sports became our main way to communicate...as we didn't connect on much else.

While I'd started getting interested in girls around puberty (like usual) there was also part of me interested in men as well. While not every man, certain ones would lead to daydreams and fantasies. It was also around this time when I'd imagine what it would be like to be a girl. I didn't dare tell this to my parents but I'd try on some of my mom's clothes whenever they were out of the house. I'd also daydream about looking like whichever famous woman I thought was the most beautiful at the time. The first one that set me on this path was former WWE (WWF at the time) manager/wrestler Sable. All men desired her at that time...and I wanted to know how that felt.

Because of my sensitive nature, my "wrong" thoughts about men or being a woman, and wanting to try and fit in, I changed my look and mannerisms in junior high. I went from the nerdy kid wearing brightly colored clothes who would laugh and cry a lot to the nerdy kid who wore dark clothes and barely spoke. I didn't get picked on anywhere near as much but was ignored instead. I felt that this was an easier option to accept.

Since being LGBTQ still wasn't very acceptable in the mainstream, I would suppress my feelings on being with men or being a woman. I tried dating but fear of failure would make success a near impossibility. I still struggle with FOF to this day.

I went to college, got my degree, met my wife, eventually had a daughter and seemed to settle down. I put any of my other thoughts to the side to concentrate on my family, even though these feelings never fully left.

From 2017-2019, my dad passed away (more on him some other time), my marriage ended (ditto), my mom developed breast cancer twice, and I lost 1 job for each of those years. I moved back home. Not just to save money but to also be closer to my mom as her successful treatments had taken a lot out of her.

I attempted dating with only minor successes. For every failure, my feelings came back to the forefront. With extra time to spend, I began working through what they meant. In 2023, I came to the realization that I was pansexual and that I was genderfluid the following year.

It's been a slow process in exploring these identities in public but I have begun doing so. While I still portray myself as male most days, I now feel more comfortable whenever I'm able to step out as Trixie and experience the world through the portrayal of a woman.

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