Me Versus the Mirror

"We have met the enemy and he is us." -Walt Kelly

This saying has never been more accurate than when I look at myself in the mirror.

Yes, I've lost a ton of weight. Yes, I can fit into smaller sizes than I could before. Yes, I even FEEL a lot healthier.

But, whenever I look at myself, I still see the 330 pound me staring back. Every fold, every roll, every ripple, every dimple. It all just reminds me of the worst times of my body's health.

Deep down, I know it's all mental. When I can turn off the anxiety and negativity, I can see where I do look better.

My stomach has definitely shrunk (if I can get through doctor to let me get rid of this excess skin next year, that'll definitely help). I don't have so much neck fat. My face looks skinnier. My shoulders have more muscle tone to them.

But then other days...it all just comes back to me.

You have to understand: I was over 300 pounds for a good 6-7 years. When you see yourself a certain way for so long, you just get used to it.

I've been so happy to fit into even size 2X clothes. It's gotten to where I'm borderline able to fit into XL sized clothing. In fact, Kitty tells me all the time how I should be buying XL sized clothes and to not worry so much.

I know she's right. But I'm also worried that if I do start trying size XL clothes, which I'd always worn before my massive weight gain, and they don't fit that it'll discourage me. That I've come so far but still have so much work to do. I don't want that to happen and I certainly don't want to go back to where I started.

As long as my medicine keeps working and I keep noticing the good parts about me, I think I'll be ready sooner than later.

One thing that does help: when I get to be Trixie. My feminine clothes are more form fitting and make me look skinnier than my male clothes. If I could be her everyday, my body image would improve SO much.

For reasons discussed before, that won't be happening. Sadly. Thank goodness for times like this weekend.

Only body issue I have as Trixie (other than if I'm passable enough) is a certain part of my anatomy has also started looking better since I've lost weight.

It's not the Titanic or anything but still looks better than before. It can be pretty difficult to identify fully as female when you're slinging something down below.

C'est la vie.

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